Saturday, August 27, 2011

truth about lies.

you dont have to ask me if i remember that night.
i would say "trust me" but..
i'll never forget.
"trust me"
ironic isn't it?
if it weren't for me being human,
and insecure you probably would trust me.
unleash the beast,he's within
and next you standing tall,
i'm just a kid.
with the things i have done, i've teased
and slandered your name
but it was me to blame.
maybe you liked her,maybe not.
but you know what happened with us..
and i know it was my fault.
i hated you because i hated me
and hating me made it hard for us.
i lied to you about alot of things
i even ignored you when you called me
i kept the same story going,and going,and going
and i don't know what you think you know now,
but i swear now i'll tell you everything.
i have told you everything.
do you accept that?
please believe me..
it sounds so pitiful,so ashamed
i have to ask your permission to trust me
i have to beg you to believe me
because i was selfish.
well heres the truth, i have always wanted to love myself
and back then i thought maybe he could help me with that
but i realized after feeling disgusted with my decision and with myself
that he was never the answer to my problems
and niether are you,but you are a hell of alot more close.
i am the answer, and thats the damn truth.
you want the truth,but i wish i could lie more
because when i tell you the truth i only hear bye more.
i dont want to have to lie, and make up these things that just
SOUND good.
i want to be great,and know im doing good.
theres things you will remember but for me try to forget
because im starting over, and i want this.
i know you want this as bad as me
i can see it in your face
youre hurting because of me
and everyone tells you to leave me alone
but you have stuck it out, and i love you for that
more than they will ever know
because we share this something
that they will never understand so when
im done with this, they'll smile at the sight of our holding hands
and we will make them proud
but we will be more proud to be part of something that is real
something we no longer have to lie about
i promise ill figure it out.
honestly

gone.

when i used to close my eyes
i would never imagine us to be here.
but now when my eyelids wrap around
my pupils,hiding reality,stealing away
the truth, i only wish for us to be happy.
finally,happy.
back then,this me was good enough
to keep you convinced that everything would fall into place.
but this me has changed you, and im only wieghing you down.
i don't want to be this me,anymore.
especially if it means not having you.
everyone looks out for themselves,and its only natural that you will too,
i dont blame you.
if this were you, i'd leave you.
you have alot to live for right now,and just like everyone has always said
we ONLY compliment eachother pretty well.
but im not complimenting anything but your success anymore,
and now its with words not with actions.
i don't blame you for feeling like i don't support you
but this may be just me blaming all of this on me.
because im at the point of lost cause,
i have nothing left to do
going days without a real conversation with you
i want nothing more than a relationship we had from the start
but even then we weren't intending to break eachothers hearts
but we have.
now all we have is lost memories, and somewhere in mix
we still love,hard.
but its hard to love when love is hard to find,were losing eachother
im yours,but your not mine.
distance makes it hard to communicate
working against our fate
and i only dream to be close to you again.
i want to be with you, not against you anymore
and it may seem like all i do is bitch,and nag,
and complain,and say you're not good at anything
but in all reality im just bitching because you're not here.
which is not your fault.
please continue to better yourself,
i enjoy watching you through your journey
and you're doing such a great fucking job
thats not sarcasm either.
part of me fell in love with the me i saw inside you.
the me that i wanted to be,ambitious and optomistic
i used to be that me, but didn't have any opportunities
like i have now, and the difference is now im not that me
when the world sits in my hands, i squeeze so hard, my faces
scrunches up and in this little ball i embrace the anger and crush it.
reaching out to everyone for pitty,because they say i play the victim so well.
well i am a victim here, a victim of myself.
and for stringing you along,to suffer, i apologize.
we've never had good time..
our timing has been off from the start
and now we're 105miles apart..
i sit here with this fucked up heart
and wish you'd come back to me.
for what?
what do i offer you that improves you?
the only reason were only good lovers
is bc loving you is the only thing i do
that can benefit you, because you want that too..
but you don't want me doing nothing with myself
and as a friend you don't agree with what im doing
so there goes our friendship, i fucked that up too
im sorry,im trying now,and i really love you.
don't stay gone, because i know i will NOT stay this girl
i have dreams that i got lost in
that i will show the world
and when they all see, i bet you'll smile
"thats my pandagirl"

so thankyou for your support,when you knew i could
and i didn't you never walked away
its not to late
tomorrow is our second year
but most of all a new day.

Monday, August 22, 2011

no sneakers.[mista encore]

let intro play for the two loops
all high notes

(00:22)

verse1:
you held me close when you wanted me then
but you've let go and have me ruined
im dwelling on the stare in your eyes
you'll regret this i promise
once you see i was honest
and i'll be okay without the lies
i'll be alright ill be just fine
i think i'll be okay..
who am i kidding anyway..?
i need my baby


[chorus]
they say you never know what you have until its gone
and tomorrow isnt garunteed, so knock me down
take control, make love to me.
don't tell my friends that we made up, keep it on the DL
back around in these circles here we go..
we pick up quick, after starting slow.
keep hush baby,this is something they will never know.
i hope they never know.

[mista encore verse] 1:22-1:54
[chorus] until 2:26

bittersweet verse[2:26]
lets deny everything,baby i told you not to say anything..
you know they tell me to stay away, because we have been here before
we fight,we smile,we break-up just to make up.. this love is so bittersweet
im intoxicated, i want a higher dose, baby keep me close to you heart
where i need to stay, i think we'll be okay---
i think i'll be okay..
[chorus]@2:58

your music.

intro brings in..

00:12
your love is music to my ears <speaks>
turn it up..

-intro
0:22
lets harmonize,
fantasize
hit my heart to the beat of this drum
you'll be my only one.
now play the strings im wrapped up in
turn it loud,turn me out.
steal away my spotlight
make me feel right.
right here.
right now.(00:54)
sing with me
killing me softly
loving me always.
turn me up
turn me on.

ooh


verse 1: (01:08)
harmonize,between my thighs
touch me here, love me right
i'll sing,
for you now
ochopella(repeat) ochopella
you'll be with me
we'll make this beat
produce track
i'll mix this
you add that
now turn me up
i'll sing
ochopella,(repeat)
 im feelin this
we're feelin us
dont sweat it now
lets not stop
let me sing to you
ochopella
hear me now?
feel this beat?
lost in the heat
caught up in something i can't get enough of
i never heard a soundtrack like this before
i need more..
turn me up
love me right
my labels signed by your name
i wear proud, in black ink
on my heart, rip it off my sleeve
keep here safe with me
as we sing together
ochopella, ochopella


Sunday, August 21, 2011

rusted storm.

 just needed a place to save this.

intro:
loops plays 4 times  00:10
Hands move slow now, and we're clinging close
fingers point us out ,were expo-sed..\/

verse1: 00:22
we my love are simply in love
and we shall always be untouched.
you smell of smoke and licorice
i feel heaven   against my lips
white sky,pure scent of rain.^
.. pause..
and today you will wash me away...__\/

chorus; ^^
hiding in my perfect escape^
in your arms i wish to stay^
no one understand my pain\/
but you embrace the feel of rain--^
drenched in you i walk through these rays^
that dry my tears away^
they say that youre not here to stay^^^
but with you they always call for rain.__\/

verse2:  01:05
keep your grip on my hips,
run your hand through my hair,__
im tangled in this surreal place^
i only know when i see your face.^
i dont want to leave---,^
but reality has its ways\/
i smile and you fade away^..
^i hope to see you again today__
they need to see what i see
when you look at me^^
in your chest beating strong
lets prove them all wrong.

 i only dream to see your face,\/
  ::::chorus:::
hiding in my perfect escape^
in your arms i wish to stay^
no one understand my pain\/
but you embrace the feel of rain--^
drenched in you i walk through these rays^
that dry my tears away^
they say that youre not here to stay^^^
but with you they always call for rain.__\/

verse 3: 01:58
prove them wrong, come back now..^
i want to hold you here.__
not forever, not too long..
but long enough.\/
you and i stand still with time------^
clouds peirce the core of my soul^
warm front passes, and im cold.^
they know my doubts of its existence
heaven is now just written about
they say there is such a place
i only dream your face
 :::chorus:::
(over top of chorus)but with you they always call for rain--^
..they always call for rain.^---
wash me away
wash me away....

02:54
im drowning in emotions,
my heart sinks in your ocean
i hope these tears evaporate
from my flooded brain
we my love are simply in love
filling our veins with rust
tell me when youve had enough
drifting to into another drout
trying to find our way out
soak up the pain,turn our love to rain.
turn our love to rain..
toxic rain..

::chorus::

rain on me, rain on me..
wash me away.

loops 3 times.
end.



Sunday, August 14, 2011

ashes,ashes.

tall heels, long hair,
a button here, a zipper there.
red lips, at a table in the city..
men stare,women fantasize..
a girl can dream,cant she?

but i do nothing to have this dream.
sitting here not knowing where i stand.
not knowing if i feel like standing at all
but please oh please catch me
i always fall,
back to this place where im content
is it me? or am i just scared of failure.
i want to be in the city,writing,painting
making fabulous things
but here i sit writing about my fantasy.
who knows if i'll ever be that young women
that every little girl dreams to be
until then im just miserable,alone
and scared of myself, scared i might
fall again
and this time fall harder than i ever fallen before.
they've all got someone.
a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a bestfriend, a lover
someone to depend on, and even when i look at him
is not now not enough
do i bore myself by decorating this love?
do i bore my mind with images of me fufilling my dreams?
is that enough?
not for this me.
this me, wants everything
but has nothing, because she has done nothing
lazy, she lays and wants to play
but work not harder than shes worked a day in her life
to sit here and pretend shes getting there
there, that place in her mind
there i said it, didn't i?
admitting you all of you im a bit more like him than i'd like to be..
and i've done nothing to change that
nothing.
and i dont want to
because thats the only part of him that i know
and maybe part of me doesn't want to lose that
im not as strong as some of the friends i never had
some of the people i've made up in my head
im not that strong.
but i want to be
i want you to love me
i want you to help me
im struggling
i can't keep a job to save my life
if it could save my life
thats an easy way out
easier than i pictured it actually..
and quite FRANKly thats easy enough.
i'll sit here and pretend this doesn't tear you up
or eat me alive from the inside
i'll lay here on the couch
because i DON'T want to get up
giving up is easier
and i have this strange feeling
you will all feel sad for me
this strange gut feeling that you will all
tell me i have such talent, and such things to do with myself
that he could never do
and i'll sit there nod my head,
and probably laugh
i never wanted this
he never wanted this
i never wanted him
he never wanted me
but im stuck here, as his blood flows thicker than hers
and im sinking in my ownself
in my own dreams
ashes, melt me away
a girl can dream
cant she?





company.

she judges me, and talks bad about me
but we're so close
atleast it looks that way.
she occupies herself, to keep company
but they all leave and live their own lives
she sits in dark places and wonder where her happiness has gone.
rain smacks against the windshield in my car
music low, i don't feel like hearing the radio
and she thinks to me, is this how it is supposed to be?

she might as well not have a phone
she's always reaching out to the world
but it doesn't answer.
on days like this, it doesn't exist.
in a relationship with herself
and its not anyones fault but her own..
the biggest critic, and for her to think
she wants success.
more convenient for themselves,
she is left with busy keeping and
doing things that benefit her none
mirrors fogged, don't look at yourself
keep her locked in a box
until im gone.

tears fled, like rain
swerving into the wrong lanes
this is where she left you,
don't do it to me.
"friends" flee from behind the curtain
and she knows its all an act
"i hope they never come back"
but they all come and go as they please
confusion in me,
like him, he did this
i had no one then, and i have me now
but im not sure that makes her proud.

if you're leaving stay gone
if your staying, then stay
but if you aren't yet sure
i have no time for you.
webisites, social networks
they keep her plenty company
but when she leaves the screen
her phone still doesn't ring
shes alone, in the room
being consumed
and he's lost towers
as she shits on her own throne.
music, turn it loud
pain? wash it out
cleanse herself
keeping herself company
she needs company
shes scared of who she wants to be
lost in the lulluby of her childhood memories
he fled, just like daddy
and just like daddy he doesn't respond
counciling only sugar coast everything
and nothing comes of this.
left with a pretend goodnight kiss
daddy and the world loves you
but you need to love thyself.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

she smiles.

sun sparkles on the water, across the yard
and the trees sing to me their songs.
sombers through the night, because she's really gone.

so long ago, our pinkys promised
3 years, and im still here.
smiling everytime i hear your song,
but now its only played as a throwback
when the station has nothing better to play..
and when i walk past your house now
its different.
no pitty, no sad stories that we all lose our friends
no more tall tales about the nights that we felt free
no more you, only memory.

breathing was simply an option, but smiling was not
we didn't care what they'd think
we were young,wild and free
free me of my misery
lost here without a truce of a friendship
i once knew
dig through this box, of things you left for me
unburrying capsels i thought i'd never see again
shouldn't i feel okay by now?
shouldn't i know the difference bewteen touched and alone?
stranded, and left behind
they look at me like im the lucky one
but days like these i wish you werent the only one

gray clouds above peirce the core of my soul
making pictures of the sky to form your face
my memory is still fading away
pictures, but its not the real thing
lost in surreal images that i can never rinse from my brain
i miss you, always my friend.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

simplify.

were stuck here between our feelings and our thoughts
somewhere between our mornings, and late night talks.
i miss you, you are so far from my reach
but with you is where i'll always be.

days pass slowly, too slow for me..
not hearing your voice, waiting for my phone to ring.
im here, im there, im everywhere but with you..
i know times are hard, but i'll be there soon..
you're growing up so much, and i can't keep up
im trying my legs are getting so weak..
im chasing you, as you conquer your dreams
but you move so fast and im far behind.

i've never been too good at living my own life..
but who is?
there are some things i wish i could've done in the past
some things i wish i didn't do..
but most of all some things i could've said to you
that could've prevented us from getting here.
but is here so terribly bad?
im happy with who you've become..
a mature relationship is all we've ever wanted
lets live it.
breathe it, and taste the sweetness of success
we're here now..
and i want this to last.

im holding back feelings, saving drafts in my phone
trying to keep myself from thinking things i used to know
when i'd tell myself you're doing me wrong
but now all i do is trust in you
and i pray you wont let me down,again.

if this is simply what we've yearned for..
then why is it so hard to understand?
im embracing the feeling of you gone again..
long term, long distance, long time no see
but at the end of the day, you live in me.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

embrace.

Are we merely just content with our comfort in this stage?
other people move swiftly through the routine of their days,
but you and i stand still with time.

Hands move slow now, and we're clinging close
fingers point us out and were exposed..
but we my love are simply in love
and we shall always be untouched.

we can't run now, we've come too far,
but where is far if heaven is strictly against my lips?
you smell of smoke and licorice
white sky, pure scent of rain
but today you will wash me away.
hiding in my perfect escape
trapped in your arms i wish to stay.

no one understands my pain, but you embrace the feel of rain
drenched in you i walk through these rays that dry all my tears away.
they say that youre not here to stay
but for now, for me its good enough.

keep your grip on my hips, and your hand through my hair,
im tangled in this surreal place i only know when i see your face.
i dont want to leave, but reality has a way of ruining things..
i smile and you fade away.. i hope to see you again today
but with you they always call for rain.

heaven is now just written about, they say there is such a place
but knowing what i have felt, i only dream to see your face,
prove them wrong, come back now..
i want to hold you here.
not forever, not too long..
but long enough.

i've told them all the doubts ive had, of its existence
if only i could show them now what its like.

they need to see what i see when you look at me.
they need to feel what i feel when my cheek rests on your chest.
if they heard what i heard, unfrozen but beating strong
maybe then, just maybe
i could prove them all wrong.