We both turned around to hear the two men from behind the counter laughing at us. We were the only ones there and sat closest to the window. Naveah took a seat across from me, and picked up a napkin from the pile I'd taken from the counter. She prepared her food, and took a big bite. Cheese hung from the corner of her bottom lip, she looked at me with a confused face,cross eyed she tried to look down. We laughed as i handed her another napkin. "Thanks," she said,"you can dress me up but you can't take me out."
"Same here, and I'm a lot older than you, I still have that problem!"
"So how do you like it here living in the city, I know we spoke a little about it through our emails but I've always wanted to live here."
"I like it, its pretty cool, but its really lonely sometimes. My Land lady that i rent from won't let me have any pets."She murmured," I don't have too many friends in the neighborhood either, but I'm okay with that. Other than that, i love school and i mostly keep to myself, so the city treats me well."
I nodded my head, digesting her last statement through my mind.
" She's okay with that."
Growing up i didn't have too many friends that i felt i could trust, although i hung out with a handful of people, there were none i could really just talk to, but i was never okay with it. Thinking back, I wish i was. I'd spent so much time dwelling on what i didn't have, i didn't spend time celebrating the things i did have.
"Well that's great," I responded," A lot of people aren't that independent, or it takes them a while to get there. I was never there until my mid 20's."
"Well still mid 20's there's nothing wrong with that, i may be like an independent thinker but I'm not all there yet, my mom..." she froze, "my grandmother still helps me pay rent, or she was last month."
"your grandmother?" i asked quietly
"yeah, after i moved from Florida, she found my apartment with me, and paid rent for me, but ever since i called her grand mom after i found out a few secrets she'd been keeping, shes been kind of different towards me. Distant."
We sat in silence, she looked down to her lap where she played with her bracelet. She twirled the little butterfly charm around the leather strap on her wrist, and i watched unintentionally.
"who gave that to you?"
She looked at me with the word guilt painted on her face.
"Oh this bracelet?" she smirked," i found it in a box in my attic, i don't know who it belonged to, it just looked so old fashioned and i guess i just put it on, haven't taken it off since."
"Cool!" I said with my brow raised," you can find some pretty cool stuff in an attic."
Trying to break some of the ice between us, i reached over the table for her hand that was now resting against the edge. With my two fingers I felt the cold diamond butterfly charm that lied against her tiny wrist. It was fragile, but held strong after all these years. I remember seeing her wear it in math class. When she sat behind me I'd turn around and she have her hand up against her chin with her empty yoohoo bottle on her desk. We never were really good with math, but i remember watching her as she copy my worksheets, and sure enough that was the same bracelet.
We started to clean up our plates from the table when a woman walked in. Naveah wasn't paying her much attention, but i saw her. She went up to the men behind the counter and ordered some food, and when she turned to find a seat she stared in disbelief as her eyes meant mine. I knew her, tears began to cloud my vision, but i could still see her. She smiled, and nodded her head. Thankfully she knew not to approach me while i stood across from Naveah, who was still oblivious to the situation. The old woman sat at a table in the far right corner, she searched through her purse.
"Ready?" Naveah said quickly.
I followed her past the trash can and out the door. I wiped the tears that lingered under my eyes. She walked at a faster pace then usual rubbing the chills from her arms. It was late now, we'd spent most of our time talking about the classes she'd be taking next semester, and how she felt about politics. The wind was pretty harsh but we walked through it, and finally reached the steps of her building.
I thought back to the conversations we'd shared an hour ago. We really understand each other, she really gets me. I was comfortable, for once. Not trying to be someone i wasn't, acting like i have all of this ambition lost inside of me somewhere. Like there had been a key to this secret chamber of dreams and goals I'd locked away but could never find. I couldn't recall the last time i just 'lived' like this. When i didn't set dates and schedule my life in a little black book. When time was irrelevant and the only thing that mattered was you were breathing, you were alive. Maybe after not feeling this way in all these years it made me realize time is precious, just maybe.
She threw a purple fleece blanket aside the couch and lifted the cushions from it.
She striped the pull out mattress, and walked to the closet in the hall to find new sheets. i searched through my duffel bag for my sweats, and walked down the hall to the bathroom. Her room was the last down the hall, diagonal from the bathroom. I could see her dresser from where i was standing, but nothing more. A tall white jewelry box stood on top of it, right in the middle of the mirror. Turning away i reached behind me for the doorknob, but instead i felt her robe. "She must have hung it behind the door", i thought, "oh its probably caught." When i turned to fix it, she stood there. Tears fell from her chin to the floor. She threw her hands to her face, and shook her head.
"I don't want you to hate me, i don't want anyone to hate me, i would've came back, i promise. i couldn't i didn't know anything, im sorry," she screamed," please, im sorrry."
"Naveah, stop, noone hates you i promise, come here talk to me tell me what you know."
It was in that moment that i felt her the most, i felt her there. She wanted to know everything. All the lies that Naveah had consumed throughout the years. Everything that she'd been put through, and so did I. She took my hand and led me to her room. When she opened the door wider i caught myself reminiscing. Finding similarities in her mother that i saw in her. Why did i compare every single person i knew to Rhonda? I hated it, no one could replace her, and no one would. At least not to me, she was my best friend, the only person who understood me, and no one could take that from me. I shook it off and sat next to her on her bed. Her eyes glittered underneath the films of tears that rested inside. Her cheeks grew red, she breathed slowly. Inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling.
"anything i know about the truth i found out on my own, my grand mom kept secrets from me all of my life. An unbelievable amount of secrets that i recently found in an attic. She hates me for it, but i hate her for keeping the truth from me."
Inhale, exhale, inhale.."She is not my mother, and never will be. I may not know who my mother was but she will never be her." exhale.
" I knew your mother, very well. She loved you with all of her heart, and i can promise you that she would never allow this to happen if she were here." I whispered.
"Tell me about her, everything, I need to know. I sometimes feel like shes watching me, I've always felt someone there when i felt alone, if that makes any sense at all. If it doesn't you'd probably come close to understanding it."
I sat there beside the one person i dreamed of meeting my whole life. I could remember asking myself what she'd look like, if I'd find her. I could feel myself slipping in time, back to the days i thought the world worked with you, never against you. To the days I'd walk the streets of the small town i lived in. Night and day, time stood still. "Those were the best days in my life, your mother and i would always meet half way. There used to be a corner store that had he BEST breakfast sandwiches you'd tasted in your life.."
