bitter.

"you can bite into an apple and taste the bitterness that lies underneath
unfortunately for you, i like that taste."-amanda ancello 


I've been in denial for while about my struggles that keep me trapped.
I'm locked behind this door, hoping to find my way back..
I've seen relationships crumble around me my whole life..
and all I've ever wanted was to do something right.
but in this case i was wrong.

I am in love with the idea of being in love.
your words, not mine.
and yes this is about you, is that alright?
well look, who cares i write what i please
you come and go at your leaser
im done chasing something that wont stand still
or stop for a second and let me catch up..
and you wonder why im a crazy bitch.

i never gave up
keep reading and you may find out that bitch isn't even the worst of it.
You love me when im there
you love me until im numb
frank ocean can relate, he thought he found the one..
i wonder she really drove him to drugs?
does novocane really work, i may have to try it
but dont judge me, im only in this for the long term.
so yes ill become addicted to anything that has to do with you
like i always do.

no, im done being you bitch.
you're only a part of this relationship when you want it
but baby, thats not how it goes..
and if you never knew that..
i hope ive cleared that sand dial glass for you
because your time is running short.
im sorry, MY time.
the time ive invested in you..
youve made your compromises too, but where is the struggle?
do you just run from all you troubles?

now theres no service on my brain,
so i wont register what you're saying..
don't keep your phone close
i know you have no service either..
i wont call.

my phone? is that whats most important to you?
i say im done, and you're not worried about me being DONE.
done putting up with this bullshit,
running around in circles until i faint.
i thought the heat in the shower was bad,
but this has me so light headed i can barely stand.
im gone.
like the wind that blows in your one ear out the other.
and its ashame it really is
i thought we'd always have eachother..
well i have me,
and you have you..
im cold, im frozen..

ghost.

superhuman.

cape? check.
lazerbeam eyes? check.
spandex tight? check.
charismatic? check.
superhuman?

im powerless, under the spell of your fragrence.
the grip of your hands, the squeeze in your arms.
soaring higher plans, swifter than birds..
talk of the town, and they all speak your name
but your confident, and strong
while others crumble under fame..
tall,profound,indeed yes you are..
whats a heart break, after a lift of a car?
plenty enemies, but many more fans
policemen,firemen, soldiers, but youre the man.

caught in your web, i weave myself out.
but your fast, your good, you've got a way with words.
you know just what to say to keep me from jumping off this roof.
people stare, news casts, and they're waiting for you to fail
but from up her they're so small..
dont fail me now.
if i step closer to the edge will you follow?
if i tell you i dont want to live, will you web out a picture
of the reasons i should stay?

tied to this chair, and the buildings on fire..
he knows your weaknesses, so draw your card
the queen burns in her thrown
will the joker have his last laugh?
get here soon, i beg you please..
i know youve found a reason for courage in me.
you were once a  mystery,completely unsolved
but you let me right in
and i promise when you save me
we'll be okay again...
sidekicks, we made the perfect team
so hurry and get here
theres no you without me.

i didnt see it coming, he grabbed me from behind..
and now im on this bridge, with a fright of hieghts..
its me or them, but do what you think is best..
i know you from somewhere, i can picture you under the mask.
remember our first kiss?
you hung upside down?
that was a first for me you know..
i fell hard that night,
i've been wanting to run into you again,
but not quite like this.
for our sake i hope this isn't the last of me
or our last kiss.

i write articles, titled with your name.
your superhuman, yes its safe to say
who else could make me feel this way?
gentleman by day, hero by night
but your my hero all the time.
i know ill make it,with you on my side.
i always end up in the worst situations.
almost as if im a target for misery
but i know you can save me from me.
dont rush, take your time..
i know it may burn in your chest..
your knees give out, and you fall without control
i shine green, sometimes blue, depends on my episode
but i soon it wont kill you, youll have no weakness
im trying, help me help you
be invincible,
superman.
superhuman,
superme.

panting,panics.

better get used to this place ,my dear,
because this is where we always end up.
after turning right, after right and ocassionally a left
the only direction you leave me with is lost.
its days like these i ask myself to move on,
when im stuck here, that lump crawling from my throat
do you like fighting, or is this merely a sick joke?

we don't know much about this thing called love
this is my first time too..
but i know we know we are in love
so whats that leave us to?

if we can admit to being wrong,
admit to breaking hearts
and admit we want something more
something to cherish, something important
not something we've had before..
if we know all of these things why cant we do right?
im aware we want to be there soon,
but these baby steps are one step in a long time.

so until then i panic, panting,gasping for air
suffocating under this pile of bullshit
that we've burried ourselves in.
i will love you until my last breath
and by digging myself out, i might breathe it soon
its ashame, the good must die young
and the good in your heart has died off and gone
but im stitching and digging and finding our way out
just keep close, eyes shut, and bare with me now.

questionable truth.

Dare:
i dare you to let go of all of your doubts,
and to love me forever without regret.

Truth:
It will probably never happen.

Question:
Are you willing to take a risk, for once just commit
to something other than yourself?

the answer has been clear for the time spent with you.
And after ALL you put me through, and dipped me in,
and dug me out, and forced me to do..

you would think that answer would be yes.
but apparently thats not how things work with you..
i've always been the type of gal to solve mysteries
but unlike yourself they sort of unravel..
youre hot and cold, and warm and chilly
but i cant get comfortable.
so explain to me how someone is supposed to live
in a dark room of light
spend the rest of their days with someone who
doesnt quite know themselves?
How is a gal supposed to fold the sheets of a bed
not slept in?
will you ever make sense?
or will you keep me questioning?


the truth is you've been this person i just denied the knowledge i already had.

sugar&spice

you never know what you have until its gone.
it's safe to say i can now relate..
i had everything, but i was blind.
blinded by you my love,
i had the world at my fingertips
but you reached out and crushed it.
i wanted you.
part of me still does..
but i want more what i lost before you
my independence.
the girl that lived inside me..
she'd play dress up and sing in the mirror for hours
she'd paint her nails different colors
and wear whatever she wanted..
until she dressed to impress, you.


i want the child that ran away from me.
the child that played on the swings hanging from my heart.
the same child who took risks, and dared to fail at something..
the child who didn't care about anything but coloring out of the lines..
but that child grew to love you.


There was a woman having lunch at a small table in my brain.
the woman who documented her goals, and life long dreams..
she'd write out pros, cons, and she'd keep them filed..
but she started drawing hearts around your name.


wheres the princess stuck in the tower?
is she still awaiting for her prince to come?
she looks out her window at fire breathing dragons
she braids her hair and hopes it has grown..
she still tally's the days spent wasting after waking from dreams
he'd wear silver, shinig armor and slay the beast
but she got bored of believing in bed time stories
so bored she let herself free.


looking back now, i now see what i had..
when you grow up you lose sense of yourself..
but who wrote the book about love?


i gave you everything.. 
all i had in me, and i forgot who i was.
i forgot where i was going
a journey to find thyself.


So today i'll braid my hair and climb from this damn tower
because i am strong
i'll file my dreams and lock them safe inside my heart.
and i will love myself.
i will dress up in all my fine pearls
and i will look in the mirror and feel good to be me
independent me.


and when i get there, on my fire breathing beast,
with a smile stamped on my face
where the path leads and the journey ends
i promise i will think of you, my prince.

MIC

spread the word like lotion on my skin,
vulnerable, and through my pores i suck you in.
trapped in the crease between your brows..
so sing to me the song i dread to hear..
your love is music to my ears.
producer of my fears,and these happy tears.
so play along the strings im wrapped up in..
and hit my heart to the beat of the drum..
you said i was your only one.

you tell me to sing along, but im not familiar with this song.
theres only three words for lyrics on this page
but your singing off of the beat anyway..
so we'll harmonize and try to find middle ground..
can you hear me now?
i'd rather sing by myself
ochopella.

puff,puff, and hit this high note with me
rooms spinning and your all i see.
playing the piano to "killing me softly"
whispers, so loud i can't hear myself think.

wheres the MIC when i have something to say?
I'll be your MC,remind you we're doing okay..
crowd pleaser but i'll always come back for you..
you know you're the only one i can talk to.
adjust you to my height, before we hit the stage..
im trying to convince myself not to bitch out.

"palms are sweaty" you make my knees weak
and i keep forgetting we've been here before.
so you grab the headphones and produce this track
i'll be behind the curtain waiting to see if you actually come back.

applaud.

findme;there.

my mind runs from me,down this road.
following exit signs, leading me home.
"shore points"
almost there..
im hoping you'll find me here.

Lost in memory, searching for truth.
&in the end all the signs lead to you.
On my knees i pray but his silence wounds my ears.
ink on the back of my neck convinces me to face my fears.
"fearless."

but i do fear you,
scared of what happens after what we been through.
calm down now, fly while the sky comes crashing.
but if not now, when will it happen.
this CD skips with the beats missing from my heart
if i dont try now, when will i start.
if you want something,sometimes you gotta let them go..
but who ever said i'd feel this alone.

Beethoven once wrote, love letters to his immortal lover
&behind the wheel, i pretend im undercover.
i can feel you now, moving, you're spreading those wings
they're big, strong.. fly.


it happens so quickly, you can taste the residue.
seeing your soft lips spread to a smile.
the touch of your hand on mine.
our foreheads pressed hard against on another..
open my eyes, find me here.


your words still wrapped around my neck,
hanging from a small silver chain.
"i'll love you forever"
but today forever is too far away.