Friday, August 31, 2012

we all struggle under these same skies
and no matter how hard it gets the stars will still shine
the moon always rises
and the sun will always blind you
they say to keep your eyes ahead of you and your past behind you
but how do you leave your past behind when it made you who you are
in all experiences, in all actions, in all lessons learnedwe heal our wounds by those we have hurt.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

i don't need anyone to believe.

The weights on my shoulders are something a grown man can't lift
I'm floating through the clouds with a icebox in my chest
so nothing can stop me because none of it hurts
fly with my broken wings before i end up in the dirt
holes in my knees,grass stains on my pants
everything i used to be turned me into what i am
and what i need more than anything is someone else to believe;
because the only person who sees what i see is me.
When i get there they'll pretend they all saw it the whole time
and i'll laugh in their face cause they cracked jokes in mine
so fuck what they said, and fuck what they think
i'll be in my dreams making a subconscious reality
I don't know how long it'll take
I don't know if they'll live to see it
But i hope they do.
I'm so strange compared to these human beings,
these zombies, they live for next week
but in my mind the only thing that exists is today.
There is no tomorrow, there is no success
because its really only what you make of it.
if its clear i'll drink it as long as it takes me away
if its rolled ill smoke it and document a note for the day
Am i the only one that lives in the moment?
Can we just live?
who the fuck are you to tell me who i am? 

Monday, August 13, 2012

pocket full of ashes,we all fall down.

Its the summer, and I'm sitting in my car again. The place i always end up when things seem to be falling apart, it never fails, sitting in here all alone thinking of all the wrong turns and then somehow those turn lead me here again. Smoking this black,seeing how many times i can hit it before i drop the ash,wondering what i did to deserve all that comes to me.. but maybe I'm just playing stupid, maybe i always do make an excuse for it, maybe i always pretend i did nothing at all, i play dumb like i never seen all of them fall,ashes to ashes they all fall down,and i lead them on until they're heartless, i make them hold hands and go in theses circles because I'm the one scared to be alone. I don't know want i want or where i want to go, i just play ring around the rosey just because.

Monday, August 6, 2012

new project day 6

"They say you can't fly unless you let yourself fall,so i was expecting to take flight soon,I've let myself fall the simplest things, i could feel myself fall everyday."

I lived in a house of strangers, but ironically i called it home. I had a few friends that i considered "real" and the rest of them i lost along the way, but i was stronger now, stronger than i was when i lost my friend in 2008, stronger than when i found out my ex cheated on me, or when i realized my dad didn't love me, or even when i seen my old "best friend" say the worst things someone has every said about me. All of those things were in my past, i didn't let them control me, or break me.. they just made me who i have became; but who was that? My whole life chasing my own dreams seemed to get boring after i talked out loud about them, i tried out school, and i didn't care for it much. The only thing i did like to do is talk, and really that's what I was known for. i was always the friend that told the other one what to say back to her boyfriend who was about to break up with her, or the one telling someone what they need to do to live right, but what did i have to show for me? I knew I'd show them something, but not many people wanted to stick around long enough for me to find it myself. Eventually all the ones who i initially wanted to prove myself to ended up being the motivation to get there quicker.

new project. day 5

"I don't know if he lived for music, or if the music lived in him, the only thing i knew for sure was that the day they meant his world would be so different."

I knew him for a while and between my toxic past and my unplanned future i never considered taking him seriously, but now that i did i felt like i was getting to know a whole new him. We always had that weird good communication thing between us, and sometimes i even got "you're like a female version of him" but i knew while we had many similarities we were also very different. All i wanted now was to help him get back where he needed to be, someone with so much passion, someone with the same beliefs and intentions as me, a person that really wanted to live and not just "get by" .. i knew that's what i needed to do. We could put Drake and Wiz on repeat but I'd rather hear him, because even without a stupid title on our shitty social networks where everyone thought they knew us, i would be there for him as his friend. He needed to make it, that's the only way his story ended. No matter where the night took us, how many drinks we had, how much smoke was in our lungs we always ended up intertwined in my twin bed. I was dizzy as shit,and he was already sleeping but the pictures on my wall reminded me that he was my new years kiss.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

new project. Day 4

"They say beauty lies within,but fuck what they say."

Its hard for me to be happy, honestly i don't if I have ever felt happy. What is happy and why does everyone want to be it? Who made happy, i guess if i believed in god today i could leave that to him.. but who doesn't believe in god? It never made sense to me, how us zombies worked our 9 to 5, how we attended church on
Sundays and all lived behind a picket fence in a "free" country. How you were looked at like a lazy fuck if you didn't want to work a slave shift and try to strive for things we thought we could make possible, but it made sense to him. Everyone already looked at me that way, "she has so much potential, and shes just wasting it" "Shes good at everything but what is she good for?" None of these assholes wanted to know me, its like they thought they already did, and as i sipped my glass of wine and crossed my legs i stared up to the ceiling fan from my floor, "but i guess its good to know i'm not alone."

Friday, August 3, 2012

new project day 3

"We could only laugh when things fell apart, because we were falling together and we knew when we got there we'd look back at these times like we were never alive."

I came from some fucked up places, the things i did for money in the past was secretly haunting me, it seemed like my only choice but he told me to hold on. I kept holding for what seemed like forever, the days passed by so slowly because our nights went by so fast. When you're sober it feels like all you think about is getting fucked up, and not just because you hate being sober but because life seems okay when you're not. I told him i loved him and closed my eyes, my head was in my favorite place on his chest, and i knew he wouldn't sleep. I left my phone in my purse, i never charged the damn thing but it didn't matter i had too much to think about. I wish someone could feel the way i felt, the pressure squeezing me, choking me from behind i couldn't face it, i could only feel it. I tried explaining myself to him that night,but things never came out exactly how i wanted them to. It was 12:03a.m. and that night we read our horoscopes before we woke up.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

new project. Day 2

"We danced in the chaos to feel no pain,intoxicated, under the influence.. inhaling flames."


We found some way to get another bottle, tonight was a clear night.. no money for a chaser.
We held our breath and hoped all the bad things would just disappear but the longer we held our breathe the worse things became. He offered to drive tonight, and usually it was me driving us every where.. but on some special occasions he played a fair game. The music was loud, and the windows were down as we sped under the flickering street lights. I closed my eyes, and put my hand out the window feeling the summer air, my other hand was in his. These are the times my Mom would refer to me as "irresponsible" or my other friends never understood, the times where im completely quiet, feelings nothing, but knowing i am free.
I felt alive, it was a while since i felt that way, and somewhere in my head i thought to myself
"this is what ive been waiting on."