ashes,ashes.

tall heels, long hair,
a button here, a zipper there.
red lips, at a table in the city..
men stare,women fantasize..
a girl can dream,cant she?

but i do nothing to have this dream.
sitting here not knowing where i stand.
not knowing if i feel like standing at all
but please oh please catch me
i always fall,
back to this place where im content
is it me? or am i just scared of failure.
i want to be in the city,writing,painting
making fabulous things
but here i sit writing about my fantasy.
who knows if i'll ever be that young women
that every little girl dreams to be
until then im just miserable,alone
and scared of myself, scared i might
fall again
and this time fall harder than i ever fallen before.
they've all got someone.
a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a bestfriend, a lover
someone to depend on, and even when i look at him
is not now not enough
do i bore myself by decorating this love?
do i bore my mind with images of me fufilling my dreams?
is that enough?
not for this me.
this me, wants everything
but has nothing, because she has done nothing
lazy, she lays and wants to play
but work not harder than shes worked a day in her life
to sit here and pretend shes getting there
there, that place in her mind
there i said it, didn't i?
admitting you all of you im a bit more like him than i'd like to be..
and i've done nothing to change that
nothing.
and i dont want to
because thats the only part of him that i know
and maybe part of me doesn't want to lose that
im not as strong as some of the friends i never had
some of the people i've made up in my head
im not that strong.
but i want to be
i want you to love me
i want you to help me
im struggling
i can't keep a job to save my life
if it could save my life
thats an easy way out
easier than i pictured it actually..
and quite FRANKly thats easy enough.
i'll sit here and pretend this doesn't tear you up
or eat me alive from the inside
i'll lay here on the couch
because i DON'T want to get up
giving up is easier
and i have this strange feeling
you will all feel sad for me
this strange gut feeling that you will all
tell me i have such talent, and such things to do with myself
that he could never do
and i'll sit there nod my head,
and probably laugh
i never wanted this
he never wanted this
i never wanted him
he never wanted me
but im stuck here, as his blood flows thicker than hers
and im sinking in my ownself
in my own dreams
ashes, melt me away
a girl can dream
cant she?