Monday, March 11, 2013

Dear old friend,

I know we didn't see this coming, I  know this isn't what we expected.. but we're here. We're here in this limbo where we're stranded with eachother, lighting off our S.O.S. drowning in the "what if's" and our "how come's" we're in search of the help we cant find in eachother. Remember when we we made eachother so happy? I remember. It was like nothing could touch us, we drank our words and ate our tears, we numbed our wounds and had eachother's back.. Who are we now? I'm sleeping so close to you, clinging on to memories.. when you're here you're still so far away. I'll never forget that night in the park, i could smell the liquour on your breath, the same as i do today.. but it smelled so sweet then. We held hands, both sitting on the swings, i looked past you to the street lights and i closed my eyes.. i live in that moment. We were kids, but we knew love like adults. We looked it in the face, and as the world tried tugging at our sleeves, pulling us down.. we held onto eachother. I never told you this, but that night i wished you'd dissapear. I wished you'd just vanish, leave me before you hurt me, and out of all the times you tried.. i couldn't let you. I still want you gone but can't convince myself to let you go. I miss you already and you're still sitting right here with me,but not really with me. I try so hard to keep you with me, but trying to keep you is the hardest, most ridiculous thing i've ever done in my life. I hear the music in my mind, you'd inhale the smoke from the passenger seat, my hands on the wheel.. and with no destination we'd just drive. I knew you still loved her, it didn't stop me. The sun would always come back up the next day, and you were still here.. with me. I would often wonder how things would be if she didn't lock you away in a closed drawer, you probably wouldnt be alseep in my bed tonight. We probably wouldnt know the life we know today, but im thankful for it. You have opened my eyes to so much, without even trying to. There are things ive learned from you that no one else could ever teach me, and i don't know who i would be without the knowledge you have instilled in me. Funny, thinking back to it.. all of our drastic nights were in  parks. When we had no where to go, we sat on the bench looking out to the lake talking about our future.. who would've known it'd be this. The other night i chased you outside begging you not to leave me, you threw my phone at me telling me we would be nothing if i couldn't trust you. What is trust? I've never known it. We spend so many nights in parks falling for eachother, fighting for eachother.. but now my nights turn into days. Days spent in parks with just a piece of you. Nights spent in memories, twisting and turning in sheets of secrets that i'll never tell. i wish the world could see how beautiful we were, but its too late now. I can feel you drifting, now when i need you the most my old friend. The friend who would stand by me even if i asked him to leave, he'd stay. Now im begging him to stay, and he can't find his way home to me anymore. Ironic i supplied a better "home" for you when i had nothing, no boards, no beams, just words and dreams.. you felt at home. Now i lay restless in these walls and can't find you. With this life inside of me, somehow i still feel lifeless. Theres a huge hole in my chest and it wont go away. It only feels less hollow when you lay beside me, with your arm around me.. when i feel like you have found your way home. When i smell the liqour on your breath, it doesnt smell as sweet but it brings me back to those nights we found love. Now Im turning to you looking for it, but you're no help. The hole in my chest seems like it has always been there. God damn i miss you, i miss you so much. I don't know if youll ever come back, but until you do i cant keep going on pretending the same person im sleeping next to is the friend i found this summer. I can't pretend anymore, that this stranger is the person i created life with. We created a miracle together, and thats still not enough to remind you of who i am. Im sorry if i've been too much for you, i'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted.. i didn't expect it either but its enough for me. you are enough for me, this baby is enough for me. Maybe a part of it is me, but thats only a part.. and im admitting it, i need you to own up and look yourself in the face and ask yourself if youre satisfied with who you are becoming. The people that have known you the best, the longest don't feel they know you anymore, and you'll take this as a power trip, and feel more alone in this chasing your dream by yourself.. post something about how you'll get there alone without anyone but we want to be there. You are just forgetting how to treat people while you treat yourself. What about us? the people who struggled with you? The people who burned their fingers touching fire and trying to find a way out of the building that torched in flames? the people who slept in parking lots, the ones who danced on the beach with the biggest smile on our faces at the lowest points in our life, We're still here. We're trying to reach out to you, but you keep running, you keep leaving.. you keep putting us down. How can we ever get to where we need to be if you keep teling us we wont get there? How can i love my child, myself and still love you when im experiencing more pain through the "most beautiful" part of my life than i am experiencing joy. I can't live like this, and i wont. Alot of people say "I gotta do whats best for my kid and for myself" but consider this what is best for you too, because if i stay and if i keep pretending you'll never realize how bad its gotten.. This is what is best for you too. I love you, like i have never loved a person in my entire life, and i know that because it has been different than anything ive known. No one in my past can come close to the friend i found in you. As damaged as the two of us were, or have been we found some piece of eachother worth clinging onto.. and thats important. that counts for something. I still want him, i still wish to cling to him as long as i can but i cant cling to someone who keeps pushing me away. I wont force this on you anymore. This is not a goodbye letter, this is not another way out, or a scream for attention this is merely a letter to remind you that i will always love you. I just wish you let me in to get to know this person youre becoming. Im tired of assuming, im tired of being lied to, im tired of believing youre someone i know when youre clearly not that person anymore. My fists are down, i'll hang my white flag and call a cheers to getting to know one of the most amazing people ive ever known. Live easy my friend.

sincerely, i hope you come back.

Friday, December 7, 2012

dreams of the chest.

The cold metal lock was in my hand
I dont you remember, i couldnt find the key.
I would tug at it, and try to find an alternative
I remember you telling me the many things that were stored away inside.
I wanted nothing more but to open the lifeless box.

Everytime i saw you you'd mention another clue to getting inside.
I'd leave a note in my head
Adding the clues, adding the puzzle pieces together
I would open it, and it would simply blow me away.

The warm sun would rest upon my back
The walls around me were strong
soft instruments played for a perfect ending
and that day i held your hand asking for your help.

That day i opened the chest.
When my hand wrapped around the lock, like i was invincible.
The way it felt in my palm, ill never forget.

You told me there were two sides inside of it.
I lifted the lid up, and what i saw i could not believe.
I stumbled over the truth, i pondered over the expectations
what was left before me was never what i imagined.

In my my mind the box full of life was so much more interesting
the things we built together were so alive, and colorful
and looking down at nothing inside of this chest hit me right in mine.
Nothing inside, nothing in you, nothing in me..
and the walls around me start to crumble, to crush me
Our bodies have collided before my eyes, but just that; collide.
I have ran for my life, just to dream of an empty box
full of sweet expectations and nothings.

Monday, November 19, 2012


Wash away the sour feeling of alone inside my soul,
the timeless sand eating at itself, breaking shells in my ears leaving only silence on my tongue.
Drown me in my fears to see if i come afloat gasping for air to face them,with you.
The salt can shrink my lungs as i scream for the second chances we gave away.
My eyes are open, and i can make out my mistakes, squinting yet i can see them getting closer
and as i keep swimming i find myself still sinking into the memory of the ones I've lost.
Wanting to feel free again,
but trapped under the waters of self destruct.
My fingers like prunes, holding onto the things i love as they melt away into weeds off shore..
the waves are getting bigger,
the tides are getting stronger.. but i ride them till they die down
i ride them long enough to see the end, the sunset..
the birds flocking the sun
chasing the beams along the wet sand
I listen ashore, to the wind pulling at the dunes
to the heat smothering the air leaving holes of emptiness behind
i want to fill them, like the salt water fills my lungs
like my heart fills my chest
i want to fill the deceiving holes of abandoned minds
i want to feel myself float along this life like nothing can ever sink me
with no anchors tied to my ankles
i will wash away.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


no fear, no expectations, no boundaries
its fucking simple.
Theres no me and you just you then me
and its all make believe.
its all what i make it out to be
in my deformed twisted mind, where i want something real
for the first time
i want to really feel it
i want others to really feel it
and not just see it but really fucking feel it
so its simple
so fucking simple, that we can't name it
we can't give it a name
because then it'll grow
we'll have to take care of it
and feed it, water it, watch it
and it wont be so simple.
it will be fucking terrible
it'll breathe, and be full of life, and have goals
and dream dreams, and want its own future
it'll expand and others will befriend it
so itll no longer fucking simple at all
and thats just terrible
so lets not name it
lets call it whatever you want to call it
"talking" "fucking" kind of sort of not so simple is it?
cause theres no expectations, its not so alive anymore is it?
we don't have to call it anything
it is what it fucking is
and its just that
you then me, a title that never worked
a simple fucking task that was pushed onto us both
its not what we thought is it?
so lets name it

Saturday, November 10, 2012


the girl who runs from her dreams, because shes scared she might fail
the one walking into a room,dripping in a desperate scream for belief..
that girl that you always knew would be something
she loves with all of her heart, she loves too hard
she paints her future with a fragile brush
and she publishes the lyrics of desire.
she is selfless.

breaths of booze.

the cigarette addiction stuck to my teeth,still caught in my lungs
and just a sip or two from my flask cleared my mind in all.
I was in search of a problem that was bigger than me,
to find the things that held me back from what i was meant to be..
the scares of tomorrow tousled in my head; i didn't want to live like this anymore.
was this living at all or simply the act of survival?.. stretching my arms around today to hug tomorrow.
chipped nail polish, and ashes sat in my lap
my past haunted me trying to force me back, but im stronger now.
They all fled from me, in horror.. they all ran for their lives
and what i didn't understand was why they left me behind
they all gave me their reasons, i inhaled the abandoned airs
i felt the empty in my chest get bigger and bigger
again i was hallow,alone and hallow.
No time to be selfish and figure out who i am..
i needed to not feel alone.. just the thought of someone believing i could do this..
i could really live in  my dreams, but now that person looks at me the same.
the lost dark pain in his eyes,the cold doubt on his face
i know what happens after this phase
not him.
not this time.
i wont, i can't.. i won't say goodbye.
my chest is full of life, lap is full of opportunity;
my flask is empty..

Monday, October 15, 2012

they say home where the heart is
my house was never a home for me
my heart resided in my dreams
and not that i can see them clearly but i know theres more to this
the life im living, the life im stuck with
im surrounded by these people that ive found a family in
and ive stil never felt so alone
i walk these streets with no fear of crossing them
i dont bother to look both ways
cause i know either way you look,
theres a strong possibility you wont get a second chance
ive been given way too many chances
and maybe it was me that let them all rot away
until they sat at the bottom of the bag,stale,tasteless.
that could be where i went wrong, and i can look around now
and wonder how bad it has to be to be here
how bad did i have to act to deserve this
the people i call closest to me dont even understand me or where im at mentally
there dreams are all so simple, but i cant figure out myself
who am i?
who is she?
theres far too many parts of me,
and i atleast want to know one of them.