untitled

simple
no fear, no expectations, no boundaries
its fucking simple.
Theres no me and you just you then me
and its all make believe.
its all what i make it out to be
in my deformed twisted mind, where i want something real
for the first time
i want to really feel it
i want others to really feel it
and not just see it but really fucking feel it
so its simple
so fucking simple, that we can't name it
we can't give it a name
because then it'll grow
we'll have to take care of it
and feed it, water it, watch it
and it wont be so simple.
it will be fucking terrible
it'll breathe, and be full of life, and have goals
and dream dreams, and want its own future
it'll expand and others will befriend it
so itll no longer fucking simple at all
and thats just terrible
so lets not name it
lets call it whatever you want to call it
"talking" "fucking" kind of sort of not so simple is it?
cause theres no expectations, its not so alive anymore is it?
we don't have to call it anything
it is what it fucking is
and its just that
you then me, a title that never worked
a simple fucking task that was pushed onto us both
its not what we thought is it?
so lets name it
"complicated."

selfless.

the girl who runs from her dreams, because shes scared she might fail
the one walking into a room,dripping in a desperate scream for belief..
that girl that you always knew would be something
she loves with all of her heart, she loves too hard
she paints her future with a fragile brush
and she publishes the lyrics of desire.
she is selfless.

breaths of booze.

the cigarette addiction stuck to my teeth,still caught in my lungs
and just a sip or two from my flask cleared my mind in all.
I was in search of a problem that was bigger than me,
to find the things that held me back from what i was meant to be..
the scares of tomorrow tousled in my head; i didn't want to live like this anymore.
was this living at all or simply the act of survival?.. stretching my arms around today to hug tomorrow.
chipped nail polish, and ashes sat in my lap
my past haunted me trying to force me back, but im stronger now.
They all fled from me, in horror.. they all ran for their lives
and what i didn't understand was why they left me behind
they all gave me their reasons, i inhaled the abandoned airs
i felt the empty in my chest get bigger and bigger
again i was hallow,alone and hallow.
No time to be selfish and figure out who i am..
i needed to not feel alone.. just the thought of someone believing i could do this..
i could really live in  my dreams, but now that person looks at me the same.
the lost dark pain in his eyes,the cold doubt on his face
i know what happens after this phase
not him.
not this time.
i wont, i can't.. i won't say goodbye.
my chest is full of life, lap is full of opportunity;
my flask is empty..

they say home where the heart is
my house was never a home for me
my heart resided in my dreams
and not that i can see them clearly but i know theres more to this
the life im living, the life im stuck with
im surrounded by these people that ive found a family in
and ive stil never felt so alone
i walk these streets with no fear of crossing them
i dont bother to look both ways
cause i know either way you look,
theres a strong possibility you wont get a second chance
ive been given way too many chances
and maybe it was me that let them all rot away
until they sat at the bottom of the bag,stale,tasteless.
that could be where i went wrong, and i can look around now
and wonder how bad it has to be to be here
how bad did i have to act to deserve this
the people i call closest to me dont even understand me or where im at mentally
there dreams are all so simple, but i cant figure out myself
who am i?
who is she?
theres far too many parts of me,
and i atleast want to know one of them.

tattoo.

its almost like he can see what I'm thinking,
he can look at my face and read the rest of my story;
I've never had that before.
It's starting to scare me, not so much like a cliche love song to sing along to
but something that i know is poison and i just want to bite into it;only because its in his hands.
I can't explain this feeling, and i don't know if i should
by all means i would never want to put anyone else hopes of romance to shame
but i think i may have found something, in someone that people write about.
I don't think i was ready to find it, the boy who cried wolf was never ready
to face a man slaughtering creature he just wanted to be known for his stories
i guess I've told me share of tall tales too.
I've cried the "I've found love" stories far too many times for anyone to take this time seriously
for granted the past that lingers behind me has been a rough road, but this time i know it's different.
I still expect the worse, but before i hoped it wouldn't happen
and now me and him, we talk about it happening, something so realistic can still be beautiful;right?
something so raw,and so close to the heart has to be worth more than the authentic love story.
It's almost like my old life, throwing myself at strangers, seeking attention in damaged men seems irrational.
Like it all hasn't been erased but has been used to get me here
i keep telling him "my past was practice" and he laughs, his cheesy laugh
but he still knows I'm serious.
I don't know whats worse, the fact that he knows hes going to hurt me
or the fact that i know I'm going to let him.
Maybe even the part where we lay side by side in the dark making shapes of each others faces
trying to decide if we should hurt each other now or wait to kill each other later.
My best friend would never hurt me, at least not intentionally, but us humans can't help who we hurt
I found myself writing about the word  "hate"
"you can't hate someone unless you've had the chance to love them, and if you're capable of loving then why would you waste your energy on such a selfish emotion as hate."
but i know i could never hate him
i used to think "We found love" by Rihanna was our song,even after he told me who it reminded him of
but now when i write all of this, it sounds like Rihanna was looking to capture something much more powerful than a powerless relationship between a hopeless boy and a helpless girl.
i love you.

insomnia.

A girl can dream can't she?
I close my eyes and I'm in his car riding shotty
feel the wind against my right cheek
feel like nothing in the world can touch me.
To know hes smiling cause he's happy, to feel like we finally made it;
Because this is what dreams are made of and if your dreams don't scare you they aren't big enough.
Dream big or go back to sleep, who said night mares can't turn into reality
..and my worst fear is not becoming all i can,
i told him we'll get there even if i have to die in this bed...
we always saw the same things when we closed our eyes
;but they say the greatest accomplishments take too much time.
Fuck the clocks on these walls.
Fuck trying too hard;
cause if you aren't killing yourself trying, you're not trying at all.
don't wake a girl when shes dreaming
a girl can dream, can't she?

candy coated chlorophyll.

unwrap it because you want a taste
a sweet sensation of the poison bubbling on your taste buds
savoring each swallow of saliva that puddles your tongue.
As you suck out the unsanitary toxicans, the sweet but tasteless coats of apologies surround the last bite
you come to taste the sugar coat around the outside
almost complimenting the delicate sour core to the candy you've slipped into your mouth
the sugar always apologizes to its victim,and the chlorophyll will peacefully release you
almost as if it wants you to feel used, and needed all in the same *crunch*
as your teeth bite through the middle of its last flavorless punch.
you'll almost wish you never unwrapped it
but  either way the curiosity kills its prey
so savor it,the useless piece of fucking candy
that you shouldn't have opened but ate anyway.