sincerly, your bitch.

lets play with my tainted heart.
we could always throw it back & forth..
why not?
as long as youre happy right?
oh lets just keep me trapped behind this locked door,forever.
just throw away that key
the one you already lost in septemeber.
of course, i dont mind.
you can come and go as you please.
&i'll be here waiting,
like your bitch
that youve made me.
like a feen & i cant stop itching.
irritating you eh?
oh you dont even know irritating.
lets just drag this along
only until you kill me
because thats completely fair.
you can keep these chaines around my ankles
to keep me from running.
and like a dog, i'll cry
and i bet you'll scream
"look what your doing to me!"
so feed me, only lies & broken promises
that you will ALWAYS keep.
oh you make me smile..
that "ear-to-ear" plastered on my face.
like a clown, they'll point and just laugh at me.
having fun yet?
i can wait.
bare with me here, exhale your toxic air
and ill suck it right in.
only until youre happy again.
anything for you, my love.

dial.

i hate that bitch that tells me you cant answer the phone.
my heart breaks everytime i hear the tone.
&i will never leave a message.
i refuse.
you should already know what i expect of you.
answer me please, im losing myself.
all i want is someone to talk to.
im not calling to nag, to bitch, or catch you
i thought you were my best friend.
the one who knows me best?
than you should know the burn that sizzles in my chest.
the sting, everytime i pick out these weapons,
that i want to hurt.
i feel numb, and i need you.
and after all weve been through
you would think youd be first to know that.
when we talk now its quick
youre busy with your life, and im here begging for your time.
how pathetic.
how sad, im lonely, because you used spend all your time with me.
i was number one, the highest priority.
now please tell me what i am?
im sitting here lost in a memory
drowning myself in my misery, alone.
because everytime i call you cant answer the phone.
and i replay in my head, that obnoxious dial tone.
ring,ring, im sorry but the person you are trying to reach
no longer has time to DEAL with you.
press one to leave a numeric page,
otherwise leave a message that he'll never listen to.
i REFUSE.
where are you my love?
when i really need you?
ah, if you only knew.


....click.

nothing but everything.

I will never be perfect, & i may not have the most acceptable flaws.
I have been unfaithful, & i' know i've let you down.
I can never take back my mistakes & trust me there are many.
I know how much i've hurt you & if i were you, i'd hate me.

I wish i could explain the thoughts that come to mind when seeing you smile.
with tears running down my face, and my heart shattered
you have a way of making me so happy.
we're breaking, we're trying,
we're making sweet love.
& you sweep me away, just like that.

I've lied, I've told you things i've never believed myself.
I've given you excuses to simple tasks i could never complete.
I've taken you for granted, & treated you like shit.
It's crazy, because your still here
If i were you, this would be it..

I know it hurts, to think of all ive done.
thinking back to the first time we held hands
people stared & i remember being nervous
my plam was sweaty, but you held tight
& you smiled, you never let go.
dont go.

I can tell i've torn you apart.
I can tell i pushed you away.
&i've brought most of this on myself.
what he did was NEVER your fault.
but i treated you for his mistakes.
and i truly am so sorry for doing so.
look where its gotten me..


I've never been good at trusting a man with my heart.
I've never been good at trusting myself.
i may not be good for nothing.
i may have fucked up, so badly
to the point that if i were you, i'd leave me.
i may have done only one thing right
falling in love with you.

There may be other woman who can move a way i can't.
maybe theres a "she" who would never lie.
maybe her truth would never fail you, she wouldnt eat away at you inside.
she might be beautiful, flawless in fact.
she may have every trait i've yearned for.
hey maybe she'll keep that side of you, i smothered
& you'll finally break free of me.
she'll smile & the room will light up
She'll carry herself with high standards
She can do anything in the world
im nothing compared to her.

I've disrespected us all.
you, me, that girl i was supossed to be.
i've said words to you, i wish never existed.
i've thrown myself into this cluster of characteristics.
who is this?
i know you thought i'd be that one who was "different"
how different?
this different?
&for that i've failed you once more.
i've blamed you, because im ashamed of myself.
i've taught myself how to live a lie.
to lead you on, but break you inside.

that girl would never do that to you..
&you'll find her  ;i promise.
maybe she'll sweep you right off your feet.
maybe you'll be breathless after one kiss.
out of control, your emotions ya know..
she'll put me to shame.
 but somewhere underneath of it all,
i've found the light.
i'm done with the back &forth
the wrong &"whos right?"
remember i used to be that girl..
&i forgot her for a while.
somewhere in the mix,
theres a good reason
for another chance..
because that girl maybe be everything i am not..
but she could never
love you
like me.

your favorite font.

I'm really into this, seriously into this.

When these songs play that remind me of her, i get real into it.

I can't explain what comes over me, so many emotions all at once.

that knot in my throat like i could cry, a smile on my face, and i always close my eyes to see her.

if only i could just really see her smile at me again.

thinking of it, it always makes me cry.

knowing exactly what her ringtone on her phone was,probably rang off the hook.

knowing all the things that made her happy,its so painful.

everyone looks at me like im searching or pitty, but i promise thats the last i want.

i just want my friend back for one minute, i want to understand.. i want to see and hear what she experienced in that split last instant of her life. 

its hard to picture her in such anger, in such a helpless situation.

where is she now?

has she accepted what i cant bring myself to know.

does she sit with me at night, laughing at my ignorance.

so many memories, and i'm so emotional.

ive lost so many people, why does he keep me here?

what am i doing right?

i dont deserve this, this staying here just frustrated and confused.

but niether would she.

when its for real its forever, she's always told me that.

forever is such a long time.

but i swear ill write about her forever, and ever.

i want to share with the world what i know; such beauty found in one person.

so much pain hidden inside, how did she do it?

so confidentially, so many things Rhonda, they all remind me of you.

every single day in my life, and saying your name; god damn it is the hardest thing ive done since confronting your death. we were best friends, roll dogs, i try to relate to so many  people now, but they dont understand, they dont get it the way you would, we could not talk for years and pick up right where we left off, but its not like that with other people, and it never will be, and i swear theyll all look at me like im crazy but i know im not im just alone,and i cant take it anymore somethings gotta give. i feel like once i confide in someone they always let me down or something or someone takes them from me, ive never been so good with sharing something i consider to be my own, and i dont think that will ever change, i just wish for you to send me a sign one day, maybe to tell me the things i already know, and i hope i seriously hope im not crazy. i miss you. 

this picture was the last day i saw you. you'll never know how much you meant to me.

just another girl.

just another day, so routine.
she keeps her fingers crossed.
waking with hopes just to get through it.
yesterday was hard, but today will be harder.
but in end.. its just another day.

just another smile that she pastes on her face.
who is she fooling?
he can see right through her
shes so easy to read
theres no more mystery behind her eyes.
so its just another day, just another pasted smile.

just another phone call.
she can't see him, she cant smell him.
he's so out of reach, but she waits for the phone to ring.
she wishes she could be near him.
she wants to be with him
but its just another day with that pasted smile.
its just another phone call.

just another friend.
someone to vent to
who asks for more than they can give her.
who has done nothing for her.
who probably never listened to her anyway.
so their just another friend, & its just another day
as she wears her pasted smile.

this pasted smile only lasts so long.
as the day turns into just another week.
maybe a month?
her smile will fade.
the calls will be shorter.
these friends come and go.
she can't hide anymore.
behind the makeup & smiles.

just another day.
but shes more than just a pretty face.
shes just another girl trying to fool the world.