panting,panics.

better get used to this place ,my dear,
because this is where we always end up.
after turning right, after right and ocassionally a left
the only direction you leave me with is lost.
its days like these i ask myself to move on,
when im stuck here, that lump crawling from my throat
do you like fighting, or is this merely a sick joke?

we don't know much about this thing called love
this is my first time too..
but i know we know we are in love
so whats that leave us to?

if we can admit to being wrong,
admit to breaking hearts
and admit we want something more
something to cherish, something important
not something we've had before..
if we know all of these things why cant we do right?
im aware we want to be there soon,
but these baby steps are one step in a long time.

so until then i panic, panting,gasping for air
suffocating under this pile of bullshit
that we've burried ourselves in.
i will love you until my last breath
and by digging myself out, i might breathe it soon
its ashame, the good must die young
and the good in your heart has died off and gone
but im stitching and digging and finding our way out
just keep close, eyes shut, and bare with me now.

questionable truth.

Dare:
i dare you to let go of all of your doubts,
and to love me forever without regret.

Truth:
It will probably never happen.

Question:
Are you willing to take a risk, for once just commit
to something other than yourself?

the answer has been clear for the time spent with you.
And after ALL you put me through, and dipped me in,
and dug me out, and forced me to do..

you would think that answer would be yes.
but apparently thats not how things work with you..
i've always been the type of gal to solve mysteries
but unlike yourself they sort of unravel..
youre hot and cold, and warm and chilly
but i cant get comfortable.
so explain to me how someone is supposed to live
in a dark room of light
spend the rest of their days with someone who
doesnt quite know themselves?
How is a gal supposed to fold the sheets of a bed
not slept in?
will you ever make sense?
or will you keep me questioning?


the truth is you've been this person i just denied the knowledge i already had.

sugar&spice

you never know what you have until its gone.
it's safe to say i can now relate..
i had everything, but i was blind.
blinded by you my love,
i had the world at my fingertips
but you reached out and crushed it.
i wanted you.
part of me still does..
but i want more what i lost before you
my independence.
the girl that lived inside me..
she'd play dress up and sing in the mirror for hours
she'd paint her nails different colors
and wear whatever she wanted..
until she dressed to impress, you.


i want the child that ran away from me.
the child that played on the swings hanging from my heart.
the same child who took risks, and dared to fail at something..
the child who didn't care about anything but coloring out of the lines..
but that child grew to love you.


There was a woman having lunch at a small table in my brain.
the woman who documented her goals, and life long dreams..
she'd write out pros, cons, and she'd keep them filed..
but she started drawing hearts around your name.


wheres the princess stuck in the tower?
is she still awaiting for her prince to come?
she looks out her window at fire breathing dragons
she braids her hair and hopes it has grown..
she still tally's the days spent wasting after waking from dreams
he'd wear silver, shinig armor and slay the beast
but she got bored of believing in bed time stories
so bored she let herself free.


looking back now, i now see what i had..
when you grow up you lose sense of yourself..
but who wrote the book about love?


i gave you everything.. 
all i had in me, and i forgot who i was.
i forgot where i was going
a journey to find thyself.


So today i'll braid my hair and climb from this damn tower
because i am strong
i'll file my dreams and lock them safe inside my heart.
and i will love myself.
i will dress up in all my fine pearls
and i will look in the mirror and feel good to be me
independent me.


and when i get there, on my fire breathing beast,
with a smile stamped on my face
where the path leads and the journey ends
i promise i will think of you, my prince.

MIC

spread the word like lotion on my skin,
vulnerable, and through my pores i suck you in.
trapped in the crease between your brows..
so sing to me the song i dread to hear..
your love is music to my ears.
producer of my fears,and these happy tears.
so play along the strings im wrapped up in..
and hit my heart to the beat of the drum..
you said i was your only one.

you tell me to sing along, but im not familiar with this song.
theres only three words for lyrics on this page
but your singing off of the beat anyway..
so we'll harmonize and try to find middle ground..
can you hear me now?
i'd rather sing by myself
ochopella.

puff,puff, and hit this high note with me
rooms spinning and your all i see.
playing the piano to "killing me softly"
whispers, so loud i can't hear myself think.

wheres the MIC when i have something to say?
I'll be your MC,remind you we're doing okay..
crowd pleaser but i'll always come back for you..
you know you're the only one i can talk to.
adjust you to my height, before we hit the stage..
im trying to convince myself not to bitch out.

"palms are sweaty" you make my knees weak
and i keep forgetting we've been here before.
so you grab the headphones and produce this track
i'll be behind the curtain waiting to see if you actually come back.

applaud.

findme;there.

my mind runs from me,down this road.
following exit signs, leading me home.
"shore points"
almost there..
im hoping you'll find me here.

Lost in memory, searching for truth.
&in the end all the signs lead to you.
On my knees i pray but his silence wounds my ears.
ink on the back of my neck convinces me to face my fears.
"fearless."

but i do fear you,
scared of what happens after what we been through.
calm down now, fly while the sky comes crashing.
but if not now, when will it happen.
this CD skips with the beats missing from my heart
if i dont try now, when will i start.
if you want something,sometimes you gotta let them go..
but who ever said i'd feel this alone.

Beethoven once wrote, love letters to his immortal lover
&behind the wheel, i pretend im undercover.
i can feel you now, moving, you're spreading those wings
they're big, strong.. fly.


it happens so quickly, you can taste the residue.
seeing your soft lips spread to a smile.
the touch of your hand on mine.
our foreheads pressed hard against on another..
open my eyes, find me here.


your words still wrapped around my neck,
hanging from a small silver chain.
"i'll love you forever"
but today forever is too far away.

she is her,her is me.

She sits in Indian style
her hair braided to the side..
bangs that fall perfectly over her raised brow.
a paint brush lost in knots behind her ear.
sunkissed cheeks, and a few freckles lay upon her nose.
the wind whispers secrets to her
she keeps them locked away
in the place no one will ever know
her mind wanders in circles
weighed down by the ancors
tied to the boat of her dreams
that slowly sails far from shore..
but today she will paint the ocean.

her feet sink in sand, hot sand.
her legs strong, her head low.
accepting the gifts the ocean leaves her
another wave, a different shell.
bubbles chase the tide around her toes
sun still beating against her back
like the heart in her chest
as she imagines herself,happy.
today she will be happy.

bright lights,loud music and chatter.
she feels free walking the restless streets,
but if only her body could keep up with her feet.
heels high, her mind is quite, but her heart has much to say.
tall building surround her with opportunities,
a pocket full of change, not one familiar face.
red lips, dark eyes lost somewhere so alive at night
and catches her reflection in a glass window..
tonight she is beautiful.

they point, they question her ability to fly
"she doesnt want flight."
"she must be scared of hieghts"
but what if she knows how to climb..
flying would only be a flap of the wings
but a challenge has always aroused her
nothing easy is fun, but pain is worth something
feeling is worth her worry, and her sombers through her dreams
held back by something little seems way to easy..
shes holding back because she's not yet ready
one step up and a thousand more to take
she'll be great
today she will escape.


potential, only is written across her face.
but still she has her secret locked away in some place..
a place no one knows, or cares to find
this place is her, is sacred, is mine.

no worries..

They're "concerned."

They're clearly, worried about my future,right?

I mean thats what they all say.

Apparently im "wasting" my potential

&it saddens them to see such talent in someone who doesn't use it.

Do i not deserve it?

Why am i not in school?

 Why can't i stay somewhere for longer than a month?

Why am i so unhappy?

why am i not using my "potential to my advantage?

How can i possibly use ANYTHING to my advantage when im not satisfied?

Would i actually be advancing with anything if i were to be an artist?

how about singing? let me sing to you..

"THIS IS MY LIFE, let me live it."

yeah i should probably stick to my day job..

wait day job? what is that?

because i'm only familiar with a grave shift..

for something i'm not sure i even want.

They all want it..

They tell me to keep going..

GO WHERE?

i am content RIGHT HERE..

i like to write, let me write for the rest of my life..

take the magic from my escape, 

crowd my paradise with compliments and unfriendly critics

I'll paint, thats it, ill just paint.

Put this color here, a color i cant erase..

but when im done this masterpeice, 

what will it really matter?

a couple dollars in my pocket

while someone else enjoys the view of my canvas on their wall?

no thankyou.

I will be want i want to be,

when i want to be..

let me find me.

it may take a while

but when i find her

i'll be sure to introduce you.