Dear old friend,

I know we didn't see this coming, I  know this isn't what we expected.. but we're here. We're here in this limbo where we're stranded with eachother, lighting off our S.O.S. drowning in the "what if's" and our "how come's" we're in search of the help we cant find in eachother. Remember when we we made eachother so happy? I remember. It was like nothing could touch us, we drank our words and ate our tears, we numbed our wounds and had eachother's back.. Who are we now? I'm sleeping so close to you, clinging on to memories.. when you're here you're still so far away. I'll never forget that night in the park, i could smell the liquour on your breath, the same as i do today.. but it smelled so sweet then. We held hands, both sitting on the swings, i looked past you to the street lights and i closed my eyes.. i live in that moment. We were kids, but we knew love like adults. We looked it in the face, and as the world tried tugging at our sleeves, pulling us down.. we held onto eachother. I never told you this, but that night i wished you'd dissapear. I wished you'd just vanish, leave me before you hurt me, and out of all the times you tried.. i couldn't let you. I still want you gone but can't convince myself to let you go. I miss you already and you're still sitting right here with me,but not really with me. I try so hard to keep you with me, but trying to keep you is the hardest, most ridiculous thing i've ever done in my life. I hear the music in my mind, you'd inhale the smoke from the passenger seat, my hands on the wheel.. and with no destination we'd just drive. I knew you still loved her, it didn't stop me. The sun would always come back up the next day, and you were still here.. with me. I would often wonder how things would be if she didn't lock you away in a closed drawer, you probably wouldnt be alseep in my bed tonight. We probably wouldnt know the life we know today, but im thankful for it. You have opened my eyes to so much, without even trying to. There are things ive learned from you that no one else could ever teach me, and i don't know who i would be without the knowledge you have instilled in me. Funny, thinking back to it.. all of our drastic nights were in  parks. When we had no where to go, we sat on the bench looking out to the lake talking about our future.. who would've known it'd be this. The other night i chased you outside begging you not to leave me, you threw my phone at me telling me we would be nothing if i couldn't trust you. What is trust? I've never known it. We spend so many nights in parks falling for eachother, fighting for eachother.. but now my nights turn into days. Days spent in parks with just a piece of you. Nights spent in memories, twisting and turning in sheets of secrets that i'll never tell. i wish the world could see how beautiful we were, but its too late now. I can feel you drifting, now when i need you the most my old friend. The friend who would stand by me even if i asked him to leave, he'd stay. Now im begging him to stay, and he can't find his way home to me anymore. Ironic i supplied a better "home" for you when i had nothing, no boards, no beams, just words and dreams.. you felt at home. Now i lay restless in these walls and can't find you. With this life inside of me, somehow i still feel lifeless. Theres a huge hole in my chest and it wont go away. It only feels less hollow when you lay beside me, with your arm around me.. when i feel like you have found your way home. When i smell the liqour on your breath, it doesnt smell as sweet but it brings me back to those nights we found love. Now Im turning to you looking for it, but you're no help. The hole in my chest seems like it has always been there. God damn i miss you, i miss you so much. I don't know if youll ever come back, but until you do i cant keep going on pretending the same person im sleeping next to is the friend i found this summer. I can't pretend anymore, that this stranger is the person i created life with. We created a miracle together, and thats still not enough to remind you of who i am. Im sorry if i've been too much for you, i'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted.. i didn't expect it either but its enough for me. you are enough for me, this baby is enough for me. Maybe a part of it is me, but thats only a part.. and im admitting it, i need you to own up and look yourself in the face and ask yourself if youre satisfied with who you are becoming. The people that have known you the best, the longest don't feel they know you anymore, and you'll take this as a power trip, and feel more alone in this chasing your dream by yourself.. post something about how you'll get there alone without anyone but we want to be there. You are just forgetting how to treat people while you treat yourself. What about us? the people who struggled with you? The people who burned their fingers touching fire and trying to find a way out of the building that torched in flames? the people who slept in parking lots, the ones who danced on the beach with the biggest smile on our faces at the lowest points in our life, We're still here. We're trying to reach out to you, but you keep running, you keep leaving.. you keep putting us down. How can we ever get to where we need to be if you keep teling us we wont get there? How can i love my child, myself and still love you when im experiencing more pain through the "most beautiful" part of my life than i am experiencing joy. I can't live like this, and i wont. Alot of people say "I gotta do whats best for my kid and for myself" but consider this what is best for you too, because if i stay and if i keep pretending you'll never realize how bad its gotten.. This is what is best for you too. I love you, like i have never loved a person in my entire life, and i know that because it has been different than anything ive known. No one in my past can come close to the friend i found in you. As damaged as the two of us were, or have been we found some piece of eachother worth clinging onto.. and thats important. that counts for something. I still want him, i still wish to cling to him as long as i can but i cant cling to someone who keeps pushing me away. I wont force this on you anymore. This is not a goodbye letter, this is not another way out, or a scream for attention this is merely a letter to remind you that i will always love you. I just wish you let me in to get to know this person youre becoming. Im tired of assuming, im tired of being lied to, im tired of believing youre someone i know when youre clearly not that person anymore. My fists are down, i'll hang my white flag and call a cheers to getting to know one of the most amazing people ive ever known. Live easy my friend.

sincerely, i hope you come back.

dreams of the chest.

The cold metal lock was in my hand
I dont you remember, i couldnt find the key.
I would tug at it, and try to find an alternative
I remember you telling me the many things that were stored away inside.
I wanted nothing more but to open the lifeless box.

Everytime i saw you you'd mention another clue to getting inside.
I'd leave a note in my head
Adding the clues, adding the puzzle pieces together
I would open it, and it would simply blow me away.

The warm sun would rest upon my back
The walls around me were strong
soft instruments played for a perfect ending
and that day i held your hand asking for your help.

That day i opened the chest.
When my hand wrapped around the lock, like i was invincible.
The way it felt in my palm, ill never forget.

You told me there were two sides inside of it.
I lifted the lid up, and what i saw i could not believe.
I stumbled over the truth, i pondered over the expectations
what was left before me was never what i imagined.

In my my mind the box full of life was so much more interesting
the things we built together were so alive, and colorful
and looking down at nothing inside of this chest hit me right in mine.
Nothing inside, nothing in you, nothing in me..
and the walls around me start to crumble, to crush me
Our bodies have collided before my eyes, but just that; collide.
I have ran for my life, just to dream of an empty box
full of sweet expectations and nothings.

sail.

Wash away the sour feeling of alone inside my soul,
the timeless sand eating at itself, breaking shells in my ears leaving only silence on my tongue.
Drown me in my fears to see if i come afloat gasping for air to face them,with you.
The salt can shrink my lungs as i scream for the second chances we gave away.
My eyes are open, and i can make out my mistakes, squinting yet i can see them getting closer
and as i keep swimming i find myself still sinking into the memory of the ones I've lost.
Wanting to feel free again,
but trapped under the waters of self destruct.
My fingers like prunes, holding onto the things i love as they melt away into weeds off shore..
the waves are getting bigger,
the tides are getting stronger.. but i ride them till they die down
i ride them long enough to see the end, the sunset..
the birds flocking the sun
chasing the beams along the wet sand
I listen ashore, to the wind pulling at the dunes
to the heat smothering the air leaving holes of emptiness behind
i want to fill them, like the salt water fills my lungs
like my heart fills my chest
i want to fill the deceiving holes of abandoned minds
i want to feel myself float along this life like nothing can ever sink me
with no anchors tied to my ankles
i will wash away.

untitled

simple
no fear, no expectations, no boundaries
its fucking simple.
Theres no me and you just you then me
and its all make believe.
its all what i make it out to be
in my deformed twisted mind, where i want something real
for the first time
i want to really feel it
i want others to really feel it
and not just see it but really fucking feel it
so its simple
so fucking simple, that we can't name it
we can't give it a name
because then it'll grow
we'll have to take care of it
and feed it, water it, watch it
and it wont be so simple.
it will be fucking terrible
it'll breathe, and be full of life, and have goals
and dream dreams, and want its own future
it'll expand and others will befriend it
so itll no longer fucking simple at all
and thats just terrible
so lets not name it
lets call it whatever you want to call it
"talking" "fucking" kind of sort of not so simple is it?
cause theres no expectations, its not so alive anymore is it?
we don't have to call it anything
it is what it fucking is
and its just that
you then me, a title that never worked
a simple fucking task that was pushed onto us both
its not what we thought is it?
so lets name it
"complicated."

selfless.

the girl who runs from her dreams, because shes scared she might fail
the one walking into a room,dripping in a desperate scream for belief..
that girl that you always knew would be something
she loves with all of her heart, she loves too hard
she paints her future with a fragile brush
and she publishes the lyrics of desire.
she is selfless.

breaths of booze.

the cigarette addiction stuck to my teeth,still caught in my lungs
and just a sip or two from my flask cleared my mind in all.
I was in search of a problem that was bigger than me,
to find the things that held me back from what i was meant to be..
the scares of tomorrow tousled in my head; i didn't want to live like this anymore.
was this living at all or simply the act of survival?.. stretching my arms around today to hug tomorrow.
chipped nail polish, and ashes sat in my lap
my past haunted me trying to force me back, but im stronger now.
They all fled from me, in horror.. they all ran for their lives
and what i didn't understand was why they left me behind
they all gave me their reasons, i inhaled the abandoned airs
i felt the empty in my chest get bigger and bigger
again i was hallow,alone and hallow.
No time to be selfish and figure out who i am..
i needed to not feel alone.. just the thought of someone believing i could do this..
i could really live in  my dreams, but now that person looks at me the same.
the lost dark pain in his eyes,the cold doubt on his face
i know what happens after this phase
not him.
not this time.
i wont, i can't.. i won't say goodbye.
my chest is full of life, lap is full of opportunity;
my flask is empty..

they say home where the heart is
my house was never a home for me
my heart resided in my dreams
and not that i can see them clearly but i know theres more to this
the life im living, the life im stuck with
im surrounded by these people that ive found a family in
and ive stil never felt so alone
i walk these streets with no fear of crossing them
i dont bother to look both ways
cause i know either way you look,
theres a strong possibility you wont get a second chance
ive been given way too many chances
and maybe it was me that let them all rot away
until they sat at the bottom of the bag,stale,tasteless.
that could be where i went wrong, and i can look around now
and wonder how bad it has to be to be here
how bad did i have to act to deserve this
the people i call closest to me dont even understand me or where im at mentally
there dreams are all so simple, but i cant figure out myself
who am i?
who is she?
theres far too many parts of me,
and i atleast want to know one of them.

tattoo.

its almost like he can see what I'm thinking,
he can look at my face and read the rest of my story;
I've never had that before.
It's starting to scare me, not so much like a cliche love song to sing along to
but something that i know is poison and i just want to bite into it;only because its in his hands.
I can't explain this feeling, and i don't know if i should
by all means i would never want to put anyone else hopes of romance to shame
but i think i may have found something, in someone that people write about.
I don't think i was ready to find it, the boy who cried wolf was never ready
to face a man slaughtering creature he just wanted to be known for his stories
i guess I've told me share of tall tales too.
I've cried the "I've found love" stories far too many times for anyone to take this time seriously
for granted the past that lingers behind me has been a rough road, but this time i know it's different.
I still expect the worse, but before i hoped it wouldn't happen
and now me and him, we talk about it happening, something so realistic can still be beautiful;right?
something so raw,and so close to the heart has to be worth more than the authentic love story.
It's almost like my old life, throwing myself at strangers, seeking attention in damaged men seems irrational.
Like it all hasn't been erased but has been used to get me here
i keep telling him "my past was practice" and he laughs, his cheesy laugh
but he still knows I'm serious.
I don't know whats worse, the fact that he knows hes going to hurt me
or the fact that i know I'm going to let him.
Maybe even the part where we lay side by side in the dark making shapes of each others faces
trying to decide if we should hurt each other now or wait to kill each other later.
My best friend would never hurt me, at least not intentionally, but us humans can't help who we hurt
I found myself writing about the word  "hate"
"you can't hate someone unless you've had the chance to love them, and if you're capable of loving then why would you waste your energy on such a selfish emotion as hate."
but i know i could never hate him
i used to think "We found love" by Rihanna was our song,even after he told me who it reminded him of
but now when i write all of this, it sounds like Rihanna was looking to capture something much more powerful than a powerless relationship between a hopeless boy and a helpless girl.
i love you.

insomnia.

A girl can dream can't she?
I close my eyes and I'm in his car riding shotty
feel the wind against my right cheek
feel like nothing in the world can touch me.
To know hes smiling cause he's happy, to feel like we finally made it;
Because this is what dreams are made of and if your dreams don't scare you they aren't big enough.
Dream big or go back to sleep, who said night mares can't turn into reality
..and my worst fear is not becoming all i can,
i told him we'll get there even if i have to die in this bed...
we always saw the same things when we closed our eyes
;but they say the greatest accomplishments take too much time.
Fuck the clocks on these walls.
Fuck trying too hard;
cause if you aren't killing yourself trying, you're not trying at all.
don't wake a girl when shes dreaming
a girl can dream, can't she?

candy coated chlorophyll.

unwrap it because you want a taste
a sweet sensation of the poison bubbling on your taste buds
savoring each swallow of saliva that puddles your tongue.
As you suck out the unsanitary toxicans, the sweet but tasteless coats of apologies surround the last bite
you come to taste the sugar coat around the outside
almost complimenting the delicate sour core to the candy you've slipped into your mouth
the sugar always apologizes to its victim,and the chlorophyll will peacefully release you
almost as if it wants you to feel used, and needed all in the same *crunch*
as your teeth bite through the middle of its last flavorless punch.
you'll almost wish you never unwrapped it
but  either way the curiosity kills its prey
so savor it,the useless piece of fucking candy
that you shouldn't have opened but ate anyway.

we all struggle under these same skies
and no matter how hard it gets the stars will still shine
the moon always rises
and the sun will always blind you
they say to keep your eyes ahead of you and your past behind you
but how do you leave your past behind when it made you who you are
in all experiences, in all actions, in all lessons learnedwe heal our wounds by those we have hurt.

i don't need anyone to believe.

The weights on my shoulders are something a grown man can't lift
I'm floating through the clouds with a icebox in my chest
so nothing can stop me because none of it hurts
fly with my broken wings before i end up in the dirt
holes in my knees,grass stains on my pants
everything i used to be turned me into what i am
and what i need more than anything is someone else to believe;
because the only person who sees what i see is me.
When i get there they'll pretend they all saw it the whole time
and i'll laugh in their face cause they cracked jokes in mine
so fuck what they said, and fuck what they think
i'll be in my dreams making a subconscious reality
I don't know how long it'll take
I don't know if they'll live to see it
But i hope they do.
I'm so strange compared to these human beings,
these zombies, they live for next week
but in my mind the only thing that exists is today.
There is no tomorrow, there is no success
because its really only what you make of it.
if its clear i'll drink it as long as it takes me away
if its rolled ill smoke it and document a note for the day
Am i the only one that lives in the moment?
Can we just live?
who the fuck are you to tell me who i am? 

pocket full of ashes,we all fall down.

Its the summer, and I'm sitting in my car again. The place i always end up when things seem to be falling apart, it never fails, sitting in here all alone thinking of all the wrong turns and then somehow those turn lead me here again. Smoking this black,seeing how many times i can hit it before i drop the ash,wondering what i did to deserve all that comes to me.. but maybe I'm just playing stupid, maybe i always do make an excuse for it, maybe i always pretend i did nothing at all, i play dumb like i never seen all of them fall,ashes to ashes they all fall down,and i lead them on until they're heartless, i make them hold hands and go in theses circles because I'm the one scared to be alone. I don't know want i want or where i want to go, i just play ring around the rosey just because.

new project day 6

"They say you can't fly unless you let yourself fall,so i was expecting to take flight soon,I've let myself fall the simplest things, i could feel myself fall everyday."

I lived in a house of strangers, but ironically i called it home. I had a few friends that i considered "real" and the rest of them i lost along the way, but i was stronger now, stronger than i was when i lost my friend in 2008, stronger than when i found out my ex cheated on me, or when i realized my dad didn't love me, or even when i seen my old "best friend" say the worst things someone has every said about me. All of those things were in my past, i didn't let them control me, or break me.. they just made me who i have became; but who was that? My whole life chasing my own dreams seemed to get boring after i talked out loud about them, i tried out school, and i didn't care for it much. The only thing i did like to do is talk, and really that's what I was known for. i was always the friend that told the other one what to say back to her boyfriend who was about to break up with her, or the one telling someone what they need to do to live right, but what did i have to show for me? I knew I'd show them something, but not many people wanted to stick around long enough for me to find it myself. Eventually all the ones who i initially wanted to prove myself to ended up being the motivation to get there quicker.

new project. day 5

"I don't know if he lived for music, or if the music lived in him, the only thing i knew for sure was that the day they meant his world would be so different."

I knew him for a while and between my toxic past and my unplanned future i never considered taking him seriously, but now that i did i felt like i was getting to know a whole new him. We always had that weird good communication thing between us, and sometimes i even got "you're like a female version of him" but i knew while we had many similarities we were also very different. All i wanted now was to help him get back where he needed to be, someone with so much passion, someone with the same beliefs and intentions as me, a person that really wanted to live and not just "get by" .. i knew that's what i needed to do. We could put Drake and Wiz on repeat but I'd rather hear him, because even without a stupid title on our shitty social networks where everyone thought they knew us, i would be there for him as his friend. He needed to make it, that's the only way his story ended. No matter where the night took us, how many drinks we had, how much smoke was in our lungs we always ended up intertwined in my twin bed. I was dizzy as shit,and he was already sleeping but the pictures on my wall reminded me that he was my new years kiss.

new project. Day 4

"They say beauty lies within,but fuck what they say."

Its hard for me to be happy, honestly i don't if I have ever felt happy. What is happy and why does everyone want to be it? Who made happy, i guess if i believed in god today i could leave that to him.. but who doesn't believe in god? It never made sense to me, how us zombies worked our 9 to 5, how we attended church on
Sundays and all lived behind a picket fence in a "free" country. How you were looked at like a lazy fuck if you didn't want to work a slave shift and try to strive for things we thought we could make possible, but it made sense to him. Everyone already looked at me that way, "she has so much potential, and shes just wasting it" "Shes good at everything but what is she good for?" None of these assholes wanted to know me, its like they thought they already did, and as i sipped my glass of wine and crossed my legs i stared up to the ceiling fan from my floor, "but i guess its good to know i'm not alone."

new project day 3

"We could only laugh when things fell apart, because we were falling together and we knew when we got there we'd look back at these times like we were never alive."

I came from some fucked up places, the things i did for money in the past was secretly haunting me, it seemed like my only choice but he told me to hold on. I kept holding for what seemed like forever, the days passed by so slowly because our nights went by so fast. When you're sober it feels like all you think about is getting fucked up, and not just because you hate being sober but because life seems okay when you're not. I told him i loved him and closed my eyes, my head was in my favorite place on his chest, and i knew he wouldn't sleep. I left my phone in my purse, i never charged the damn thing but it didn't matter i had too much to think about. I wish someone could feel the way i felt, the pressure squeezing me, choking me from behind i couldn't face it, i could only feel it. I tried explaining myself to him that night,but things never came out exactly how i wanted them to. It was 12:03a.m. and that night we read our horoscopes before we woke up.

new project. Day 2

"We danced in the chaos to feel no pain,intoxicated, under the influence.. inhaling flames."


We found some way to get another bottle, tonight was a clear night.. no money for a chaser.
We held our breath and hoped all the bad things would just disappear but the longer we held our breathe the worse things became. He offered to drive tonight, and usually it was me driving us every where.. but on some special occasions he played a fair game. The music was loud, and the windows were down as we sped under the flickering street lights. I closed my eyes, and put my hand out the window feeling the summer air, my other hand was in his. These are the times my Mom would refer to me as "irresponsible" or my other friends never understood, the times where im completely quiet, feelings nothing, but knowing i am free.
I felt alive, it was a while since i felt that way, and somewhere in my head i thought to myself
"this is what ive been waiting on."

new project. day1

"With a pocket of dreams, and no one who believes."

We had time to waste so we sat in my car for what felt like a few hours, talking about life and occasionally asking ourselves how us two emotionally disturbed, cold hearted assholes ended up together.. but we never asked out loud. I would look at him while he stared off and planned his dreams, and organized them into small piles in his mind; the possible, the happening, the impossible, and the i know i can do it piles. I laughed to myself wondering why he didn't believe in himself the way i did, but again i never spoke out loud about that either.. i guess you can call me a coward,I've certainly got it before.

"How did i get here?"
"Why do i make stupid decisions?"
"Does he really think we can do this?"
I hope so.

ressurection.

let these ocean waters that we danced in wash you away,
let them drown your lies and the memory of your face.
Stay gone from my mind and clear from my brain.

I've loved so childishly,a child himself
a leo in destruction, a boy chasing his dreams.

Every single moment we've spent lying next to eachother crafting our sentences
making them sound exactly how they were supposed to sound
we lied under stars on a dead ground.

afloat in a dangerous sky wrapped in silk sheets of wasted cries
i cried out to you and you'd thrust your hips
reach out and run your fingers on my lips
look me in the eyes and make me feel it was real
but i was too numb to feel.

An excellent actor,plastered smiles in his pockets
but after so long its hard to keep going

I close my eyes and i can smell the salty air
I can feel the sand beneath my feet
swimming through the thick waves of novocane
racing to build our castles to watch them fall
because in the end I'm ressurecting a person i never knew at all.