ashes,ashes.

tall heels, long hair,
a button here, a zipper there.
red lips, at a table in the city..
men stare,women fantasize..
a girl can dream,cant she?

but i do nothing to have this dream.
sitting here not knowing where i stand.
not knowing if i feel like standing at all
but please oh please catch me
i always fall,
back to this place where im content
is it me? or am i just scared of failure.
i want to be in the city,writing,painting
making fabulous things
but here i sit writing about my fantasy.
who knows if i'll ever be that young women
that every little girl dreams to be
until then im just miserable,alone
and scared of myself, scared i might
fall again
and this time fall harder than i ever fallen before.
they've all got someone.
a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a bestfriend, a lover
someone to depend on, and even when i look at him
is not now not enough
do i bore myself by decorating this love?
do i bore my mind with images of me fufilling my dreams?
is that enough?
not for this me.
this me, wants everything
but has nothing, because she has done nothing
lazy, she lays and wants to play
but work not harder than shes worked a day in her life
to sit here and pretend shes getting there
there, that place in her mind
there i said it, didn't i?
admitting you all of you im a bit more like him than i'd like to be..
and i've done nothing to change that
nothing.
and i dont want to
because thats the only part of him that i know
and maybe part of me doesn't want to lose that
im not as strong as some of the friends i never had
some of the people i've made up in my head
im not that strong.
but i want to be
i want you to love me
i want you to help me
im struggling
i can't keep a job to save my life
if it could save my life
thats an easy way out
easier than i pictured it actually..
and quite FRANKly thats easy enough.
i'll sit here and pretend this doesn't tear you up
or eat me alive from the inside
i'll lay here on the couch
because i DON'T want to get up
giving up is easier
and i have this strange feeling
you will all feel sad for me
this strange gut feeling that you will all
tell me i have such talent, and such things to do with myself
that he could never do
and i'll sit there nod my head,
and probably laugh
i never wanted this
he never wanted this
i never wanted him
he never wanted me
but im stuck here, as his blood flows thicker than hers
and im sinking in my ownself
in my own dreams
ashes, melt me away
a girl can dream
cant she?

company.

she judges me, and talks bad about me
but we're so close
atleast it looks that way.
she occupies herself, to keep company
but they all leave and live their own lives
she sits in dark places and wonder where her happiness has gone.
rain smacks against the windshield in my car
music low, i don't feel like hearing the radio
and she thinks to me, is this how it is supposed to be?

she might as well not have a phone
she's always reaching out to the world
but it doesn't answer.
on days like this, it doesn't exist.
in a relationship with herself
and its not anyones fault but her own..
the biggest critic, and for her to think
she wants success.
more convenient for themselves,
she is left with busy keeping and
doing things that benefit her none
mirrors fogged, don't look at yourself
keep her locked in a box
until im gone.

tears fled, like rain
swerving into the wrong lanes
this is where she left you,
don't do it to me.
"friends" flee from behind the curtain
and she knows its all an act
"i hope they never come back"
but they all come and go as they please
confusion in me,
like him, he did this
i had no one then, and i have me now
but im not sure that makes her proud.

if you're leaving stay gone
if your staying, then stay
but if you aren't yet sure
i have no time for you.
webisites, social networks
they keep her plenty company
but when she leaves the screen
her phone still doesn't ring
shes alone, in the room
being consumed
and he's lost towers
as she shits on her own throne.
music, turn it loud
pain? wash it out
cleanse herself
keeping herself company
she needs company
shes scared of who she wants to be
lost in the lulluby of her childhood memories
he fled, just like daddy
and just like daddy he doesn't respond
counciling only sugar coast everything
and nothing comes of this.
left with a pretend goodnight kiss
daddy and the world loves you
but you need to love thyself.

she smiles.

sun sparkles on the water, across the yard
and the trees sing to me their songs.
sombers through the night, because she's really gone.

so long ago, our pinkys promised
3 years, and im still here.
smiling everytime i hear your song,
but now its only played as a throwback
when the station has nothing better to play..
and when i walk past your house now
its different.
no pitty, no sad stories that we all lose our friends
no more tall tales about the nights that we felt free
no more you, only memory.

breathing was simply an option, but smiling was not
we didn't care what they'd think
we were young,wild and free
free me of my misery
lost here without a truce of a friendship
i once knew
dig through this box, of things you left for me
unburrying capsels i thought i'd never see again
shouldn't i feel okay by now?
shouldn't i know the difference bewteen touched and alone?
stranded, and left behind
they look at me like im the lucky one
but days like these i wish you werent the only one

gray clouds above peirce the core of my soul
making pictures of the sky to form your face
my memory is still fading away
pictures, but its not the real thing
lost in surreal images that i can never rinse from my brain
i miss you, always my friend.

simplify.

were stuck here between our feelings and our thoughts
somewhere between our mornings, and late night talks.
i miss you, you are so far from my reach
but with you is where i'll always be.

days pass slowly, too slow for me..
not hearing your voice, waiting for my phone to ring.
im here, im there, im everywhere but with you..
i know times are hard, but i'll be there soon..
you're growing up so much, and i can't keep up
im trying my legs are getting so weak..
im chasing you, as you conquer your dreams
but you move so fast and im far behind.

i've never been too good at living my own life..
but who is?
there are some things i wish i could've done in the past
some things i wish i didn't do..
but most of all some things i could've said to you
that could've prevented us from getting here.
but is here so terribly bad?
im happy with who you've become..
a mature relationship is all we've ever wanted
lets live it.
breathe it, and taste the sweetness of success
we're here now..
and i want this to last.

im holding back feelings, saving drafts in my phone
trying to keep myself from thinking things i used to know
when i'd tell myself you're doing me wrong
but now all i do is trust in you
and i pray you wont let me down,again.

if this is simply what we've yearned for..
then why is it so hard to understand?
im embracing the feeling of you gone again..
long term, long distance, long time no see
but at the end of the day, you live in me.

embrace.

Are we merely just content with our comfort in this stage?
other people move swiftly through the routine of their days,
but you and i stand still with time.

Hands move slow now, and we're clinging close
fingers point us out and were exposed..
but we my love are simply in love
and we shall always be untouched.

we can't run now, we've come too far,
but where is far if heaven is strictly against my lips?
you smell of smoke and licorice
white sky, pure scent of rain
but today you will wash me away.
hiding in my perfect escape
trapped in your arms i wish to stay.

no one understands my pain, but you embrace the feel of rain
drenched in you i walk through these rays that dry all my tears away.
they say that youre not here to stay
but for now, for me its good enough.

keep your grip on my hips, and your hand through my hair,
im tangled in this surreal place i only know when i see your face.
i dont want to leave, but reality has a way of ruining things..
i smile and you fade away.. i hope to see you again today
but with you they always call for rain.

heaven is now just written about, they say there is such a place
but knowing what i have felt, i only dream to see your face,
prove them wrong, come back now..
i want to hold you here.
not forever, not too long..
but long enough.

i've told them all the doubts ive had, of its existence
if only i could show them now what its like.

they need to see what i see when you look at me.
they need to feel what i feel when my cheek rests on your chest.
if they heard what i heard, unfrozen but beating strong
maybe then, just maybe
i could prove them all wrong.

bitter.

"you can bite into an apple and taste the bitterness that lies underneath
unfortunately for you, i like that taste."-amanda ancello 


I've been in denial for while about my struggles that keep me trapped.
I'm locked behind this door, hoping to find my way back..
I've seen relationships crumble around me my whole life..
and all I've ever wanted was to do something right.
but in this case i was wrong.

I am in love with the idea of being in love.
your words, not mine.
and yes this is about you, is that alright?
well look, who cares i write what i please
you come and go at your leaser
im done chasing something that wont stand still
or stop for a second and let me catch up..
and you wonder why im a crazy bitch.

i never gave up
keep reading and you may find out that bitch isn't even the worst of it.
You love me when im there
you love me until im numb
frank ocean can relate, he thought he found the one..
i wonder she really drove him to drugs?
does novocane really work, i may have to try it
but dont judge me, im only in this for the long term.
so yes ill become addicted to anything that has to do with you
like i always do.

no, im done being you bitch.
you're only a part of this relationship when you want it
but baby, thats not how it goes..
and if you never knew that..
i hope ive cleared that sand dial glass for you
because your time is running short.
im sorry, MY time.
the time ive invested in you..
youve made your compromises too, but where is the struggle?
do you just run from all you troubles?

now theres no service on my brain,
so i wont register what you're saying..
don't keep your phone close
i know you have no service either..
i wont call.

my phone? is that whats most important to you?
i say im done, and you're not worried about me being DONE.
done putting up with this bullshit,
running around in circles until i faint.
i thought the heat in the shower was bad,
but this has me so light headed i can barely stand.
im gone.
like the wind that blows in your one ear out the other.
and its ashame it really is
i thought we'd always have eachother..
well i have me,
and you have you..
im cold, im frozen..

ghost.

superhuman.

cape? check.
lazerbeam eyes? check.
spandex tight? check.
charismatic? check.
superhuman?

im powerless, under the spell of your fragrence.
the grip of your hands, the squeeze in your arms.
soaring higher plans, swifter than birds..
talk of the town, and they all speak your name
but your confident, and strong
while others crumble under fame..
tall,profound,indeed yes you are..
whats a heart break, after a lift of a car?
plenty enemies, but many more fans
policemen,firemen, soldiers, but youre the man.

caught in your web, i weave myself out.
but your fast, your good, you've got a way with words.
you know just what to say to keep me from jumping off this roof.
people stare, news casts, and they're waiting for you to fail
but from up her they're so small..
dont fail me now.
if i step closer to the edge will you follow?
if i tell you i dont want to live, will you web out a picture
of the reasons i should stay?

tied to this chair, and the buildings on fire..
he knows your weaknesses, so draw your card
the queen burns in her thrown
will the joker have his last laugh?
get here soon, i beg you please..
i know youve found a reason for courage in me.
you were once a  mystery,completely unsolved
but you let me right in
and i promise when you save me
we'll be okay again...
sidekicks, we made the perfect team
so hurry and get here
theres no you without me.

i didnt see it coming, he grabbed me from behind..
and now im on this bridge, with a fright of hieghts..
its me or them, but do what you think is best..
i know you from somewhere, i can picture you under the mask.
remember our first kiss?
you hung upside down?
that was a first for me you know..
i fell hard that night,
i've been wanting to run into you again,
but not quite like this.
for our sake i hope this isn't the last of me
or our last kiss.

i write articles, titled with your name.
your superhuman, yes its safe to say
who else could make me feel this way?
gentleman by day, hero by night
but your my hero all the time.
i know ill make it,with you on my side.
i always end up in the worst situations.
almost as if im a target for misery
but i know you can save me from me.
dont rush, take your time..
i know it may burn in your chest..
your knees give out, and you fall without control
i shine green, sometimes blue, depends on my episode
but i soon it wont kill you, youll have no weakness
im trying, help me help you
be invincible,
superman.
superhuman,
superme.