Dear old friend,

I know we didn't see this coming, I  know this isn't what we expected.. but we're here. We're here in this limbo where we're stranded with eachother, lighting off our S.O.S. drowning in the "what if's" and our "how come's" we're in search of the help we cant find in eachother. Remember when we we made eachother so happy? I remember. It was like nothing could touch us, we drank our words and ate our tears, we numbed our wounds and had eachother's back.. Who are we now? I'm sleeping so close to you, clinging on to memories.. when you're here you're still so far away. I'll never forget that night in the park, i could smell the liquour on your breath, the same as i do today.. but it smelled so sweet then. We held hands, both sitting on the swings, i looked past you to the street lights and i closed my eyes.. i live in that moment. We were kids, but we knew love like adults. We looked it in the face, and as the world tried tugging at our sleeves, pulling us down.. we held onto eachother. I never told you this, but that night i wished you'd dissapear. I wished you'd just vanish, leave me before you hurt me, and out of all the times you tried.. i couldn't let you. I still want you gone but can't convince myself to let you go. I miss you already and you're still sitting right here with me,but not really with me. I try so hard to keep you with me, but trying to keep you is the hardest, most ridiculous thing i've ever done in my life. I hear the music in my mind, you'd inhale the smoke from the passenger seat, my hands on the wheel.. and with no destination we'd just drive. I knew you still loved her, it didn't stop me. The sun would always come back up the next day, and you were still here.. with me. I would often wonder how things would be if she didn't lock you away in a closed drawer, you probably wouldnt be alseep in my bed tonight. We probably wouldnt know the life we know today, but im thankful for it. You have opened my eyes to so much, without even trying to. There are things ive learned from you that no one else could ever teach me, and i don't know who i would be without the knowledge you have instilled in me. Funny, thinking back to it.. all of our drastic nights were in  parks. When we had no where to go, we sat on the bench looking out to the lake talking about our future.. who would've known it'd be this. The other night i chased you outside begging you not to leave me, you threw my phone at me telling me we would be nothing if i couldn't trust you. What is trust? I've never known it. We spend so many nights in parks falling for eachother, fighting for eachother.. but now my nights turn into days. Days spent in parks with just a piece of you. Nights spent in memories, twisting and turning in sheets of secrets that i'll never tell. i wish the world could see how beautiful we were, but its too late now. I can feel you drifting, now when i need you the most my old friend. The friend who would stand by me even if i asked him to leave, he'd stay. Now im begging him to stay, and he can't find his way home to me anymore. Ironic i supplied a better "home" for you when i had nothing, no boards, no beams, just words and dreams.. you felt at home. Now i lay restless in these walls and can't find you. With this life inside of me, somehow i still feel lifeless. Theres a huge hole in my chest and it wont go away. It only feels less hollow when you lay beside me, with your arm around me.. when i feel like you have found your way home. When i smell the liqour on your breath, it doesnt smell as sweet but it brings me back to those nights we found love. Now Im turning to you looking for it, but you're no help. The hole in my chest seems like it has always been there. God damn i miss you, i miss you so much. I don't know if youll ever come back, but until you do i cant keep going on pretending the same person im sleeping next to is the friend i found this summer. I can't pretend anymore, that this stranger is the person i created life with. We created a miracle together, and thats still not enough to remind you of who i am. Im sorry if i've been too much for you, i'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted.. i didn't expect it either but its enough for me. you are enough for me, this baby is enough for me. Maybe a part of it is me, but thats only a part.. and im admitting it, i need you to own up and look yourself in the face and ask yourself if youre satisfied with who you are becoming. The people that have known you the best, the longest don't feel they know you anymore, and you'll take this as a power trip, and feel more alone in this chasing your dream by yourself.. post something about how you'll get there alone without anyone but we want to be there. You are just forgetting how to treat people while you treat yourself. What about us? the people who struggled with you? The people who burned their fingers touching fire and trying to find a way out of the building that torched in flames? the people who slept in parking lots, the ones who danced on the beach with the biggest smile on our faces at the lowest points in our life, We're still here. We're trying to reach out to you, but you keep running, you keep leaving.. you keep putting us down. How can we ever get to where we need to be if you keep teling us we wont get there? How can i love my child, myself and still love you when im experiencing more pain through the "most beautiful" part of my life than i am experiencing joy. I can't live like this, and i wont. Alot of people say "I gotta do whats best for my kid and for myself" but consider this what is best for you too, because if i stay and if i keep pretending you'll never realize how bad its gotten.. This is what is best for you too. I love you, like i have never loved a person in my entire life, and i know that because it has been different than anything ive known. No one in my past can come close to the friend i found in you. As damaged as the two of us were, or have been we found some piece of eachother worth clinging onto.. and thats important. that counts for something. I still want him, i still wish to cling to him as long as i can but i cant cling to someone who keeps pushing me away. I wont force this on you anymore. This is not a goodbye letter, this is not another way out, or a scream for attention this is merely a letter to remind you that i will always love you. I just wish you let me in to get to know this person youre becoming. Im tired of assuming, im tired of being lied to, im tired of believing youre someone i know when youre clearly not that person anymore. My fists are down, i'll hang my white flag and call a cheers to getting to know one of the most amazing people ive ever known. Live easy my friend.

sincerely, i hope you come back.